Edmond's Thoughts

2005-02-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

Went to the career fair today at rim park to get free stuff and look at potential employers...there were some pretty good free stuff...among the top are little clock guys, a lion bookmark, tshirts...those little clock guys are so cool...I got 11...here are some pictures of some of the stuff I got...

2004-07-28T22:34:00.000-04:00

Can you say owned???
Bare in mind that those three unit kills that the other team got were from the three creeps they killed...pretty good for first time night elf player wouldn't you say?

2004-07-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

So, right now I have to choose a casual picture for the yearbook and I have no idea what to choose...the dimensions are so weird...so it's hard to find a suitable picture with enough resolution...so I weeded out all the ones that aren't the right resolution or whatever and was left with two suitable ones...hmmm...what do you guys thinks??...which one should I pick?

2004-06-14T21:36:00.000-04:00

Errrrr...

As some of you guys know already, I hate fobs...with a passion...fobs are stupid...now why do I hate fobs??...don't get me started...let's just say that fobs are just plain weird...some of the things they do just make no sense at all...like wearing girls stuff...there's this guy in my glass, I think he does all his shopping in the womens section...seriously...he wears something different everyday...and what I mean by that is that he doesn't just wear different clothes, but different style...and I've once saw him walking around with girl shoes and a purse...seriously...but that's just the beginning as to why I hate fobs...the way they talk and stuff is just so annoying...if you take a fob and replace him with a white person, that person would instantly get beaten up...

now why did I bring this up out of nowhere???...because I have 4 midterms this week and I'm trying to study, because they are killer...all 4th year technical courses...so it's over...but anyways...I'm trying to study, and this stupid annoying fob is singing his offtune karoke...it's so very annoying...and he never finishes a song...he just keeps on repeating the same part over and over again...the same high pitched part...and let me tell you, this guy cannot sing at all...I just want to shoot myself right now...and he does this quite often too...I don't know why...so very annoying...

man...I hate fobs...fobs are stupid...now I don't mean immigrants, I mean fobs...my definition of a fob are those loud, annoying, chinese people who dress weirdly, are rude to you and everyone else, and look down at anyone that is not them...immigrants on the other hand come to our country to try to make a new start, they are kind and polite and try not to disturb anyone, that I respect...so there, that's what I mean by a fob...annoying little people who get in your face and annoy the heck out of you with their gayness and their stupidness...

stupid fob, I'll show him...time to play some super bass heavy techno music with my subwoofer maxed out...that'll show him...thump thump thump thump!!!!

2004-04-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

EEYMORE!!!

2004-03-30T02:25:00.000-05:00

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my first love...I have kindof neglected my love over the past few years and let my love fall to the back of my mind...what is this love of mine I am talking about?...it's my love of math...since I was a kid, I've always loved it, never to the point of obessession, but I was always in amazement at how perfect everything worked out in math, how every little detail worked out so perfectly...in the mathematical world, everything makes sense, every single little piece of logic is followed...now why did I forget this love of mine?...I guess when it came time to choose universities and programs, I wasn't strong enough to turn away from the norm...I couldn't have taken the route of pure math, but I didn't, instead I went the safe route, the route of the engineer...I have never really liked science or the practical aspects of math, which is essentially what engineering is, but I couldn't really say no to it...I guess it's because engineering is so much more well respected than math...math gets no respect, people don't fully appreciate the beauty behind math...to me though, there is nothing more beautiful...math is the universal language, no one can deny that, no one can deny the consistancy of math...people see beauty in things like flowers and nature, but those things are so random, so temporary, but math is so beautiful, everything is so ordered, so constant...

the reason I forgot about this love is because of the way engineers view math, engineers are not exactly the most vigorous in terms of mathematical precission, that's because our world is filled with so many variables that to take into account all the variables would require such a great knowledge of math that it would be a near impossible task to make or do anything...that is why engineers have to find approxiations and stuff...so studying to be an engineer, I myself fell into this trap of engineering inprecision...I forgot about how beautiful math was...I was so over burdened with engineering theory and approaches that I didn't have the time to just sit back and appreciate the full beauty of the mathematics that govern our world...I wasn't able to slow down and appreciate math at the university level...wouldn't it be so nice if I had had the chance to take some of the upperlevel math courses...I wish I could know all there is to know about math, but I don't have the time for that...

what would this world be like if everyone looked at it from the beauty of math?...take for example God and His creations...a common question that is asked by all is how can a perfect and loving God create a world that is full of unfairness and cruelty, there are many answers to this, many ways of viewing it, but what if we viewed it from a mathematical perspective...what if we say God created math, and math is what each and every thing and person is controlled by, there's no escaping math, couldn't we argue then that all of God's creation is perfection, that cruelty and unfairness is perfection, it's all governed by the law of mathematics, the perfection and awsomeness of mathematics...people look around at nature and stuff and ask how can something so beautiful be created out of randomness, it must be created by some awsome power...I look at math in the same way, how can something so perfect, something that governs each and every thing be created out of randomness, it must have been created by some awsome power...believing that God created everything, it makes sense that God also created something that controls everything else...something so perfect like math must have been created by something just as perfect and great if not greater...

ah...the beauty of math, how can you deny it...

2004-03-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

It's been over a year now, but I have decided to end my diet...no more of this wimpy eating...Edmond is back...prepare for a potential rematch of Edmond vs The steak!!!!

2004-03-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

I read today's passage from "My Utmost for His Highest" today...to be honest, I don't really like that book...it's filled with so many cliches and it just doesn't appeal to me...I know a lot of people like it, but when I read the passages, they just mean nothing to me most of the times...sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me...it seems to offer so many obvious things but never offer any practical things...most of the times, the passages don't hit me as being good, sometimes I have to convince myself that they are good, which isn't a good thing...but on the rare occassion, I find one that really hits me and really tells me something...

take today's for example, I thought it was good...it's entitled "The Master Will Judge"...it's about how we will all be judged by God one day...but it suggests that if we live under the scrutiny of Christ's pure light, your final judgement will only be filled with delight. This is a part of it that I thought was good:

"One of the penalties of sin is our acceptance of it, until you finally come to the place where you no longer even realize that it is a sin. No power except the power that comes from being filled with the Holy Spirit, can change or prevent the inherent consequences of sin."

That is so true, how many of us can say that we don't have some sin that we have gotten so used to that we don't even think of it as a sin anymore? It's so easy to get stuck in a rut and start excepting a sin and then slowly having that sin not even be a sin anymore in your minds. Here's the end of today's passage:

""If we walk in the light as He is in the light..." (1 John 1:7). For many of us, walking in the light means walking according to the standard we have set up for another person. The dealiest attitude of the Pharisees that we exhibit today is not hypocrisy but that which comes from unconsciously living a lie."

Often times christians are thought of as hypocrites, and I could see that. But I think the problem lies not in hypocrisy but the problem lies in not seeing our own sins. I'm sure if most christians could, they would stop the hypocrisy, but most of the time they don't realize it. It's so easy to judge others and see the sins in their lives, yet it is so hard to see the sins in our own lives. Why is that? Is it because we are too proud to admit it? Is it because we don't want to give up the sin? Is it that we don't want to feel the hurt from knowing that we have sinned? I think it's all of those. The truth hurts sometimes and so we decide to live in a lie. Today's passage makes a good point. Would we still think some of the things we do is sinless and pure if we look at them as if someone else was doing it? That's what we should be asking ourselves in everything we do. It's so easy to convince ourselves or justify to ourselves that anything and everything we do is right. But it's a lot harder to justify someone else's action in the same way...

2004-03-10T20:52:00.000-05:00

So...today I had a lab...I was having some trouble figuring out what to do so I put up my hand and waiting for the TA...but the TA never looked over to my side of the lab...instead she kindof turned around and started picking her nose...at first she just penetrated the outter rim of the nose, but then as she settled in and got confortable, she got deeper and deeper, she kindof did a semi turn in an attempt to hide her deed, but it did not hide anything...this went on for quite a while...I decided then that forget how much help I needed, if it takes me the whole day, I'll figure out the lab on my own...I don't want her coming over and touching any of the equipment with her dirty hands...ewww...it was so nasty...how could anyone do that...and it was right there in front of the class...she probably figured the class was too busy to look up at her or whatever, but she was totally wrong...

Today, I also signed up for the courses I'm going to take this summer...after much thought and much uncertainty, I've dedicated myself to the plan that I chose...there were many options to choose from...being in engineering, I had to choose 3 courses on top of a corre course that we have to take and the 4th year design project course which is a course in itself...so I could have chosen any combination of technical electives or CSE (complementary studies electives i.e. any of the arts intro courses)...and within the techincal electives, I could have made it so that my schedule would have consisted of all tuesdays and thursdays courses, that 4 in total with 2 hours of lectures each...meaning 4 day weekend with only 8 hours of lectures a week plus my design course...but instead, I descided on taking more courses and more challenging ones...hopefully I'm not shooting myself in the foot...I decided to take all technical electives (i.e. all engineering courses) plus I decided to take an extra, also a technical electives...so as of now, these are the courses I'll be enrolled in for the summer, it's going to be one busy summer.

ECE251: Programming Languages and Translators
ECE411: Digital Communications
ECE413: Digital Signal Processing
ECE438: Digital Integrated Circuits
ECE471: Electromagnetic Waves
ECE492A: Engineering Design Project

All this translates into 14 hours of lectures/week, 5 hours of tutorials/week, 3 hours of labs officially/week, many more hours unofficially for projects/week, and a heck of a lot of hours for the design project. All this equals one burnt out Edmond. Hopefully all this will be worth it though. Hopefully I'll come out knowning more and being more prepared to find a job...

2004-02-23T12:07:00.000-05:00

just to set the record straight, my last post is not to attack anyone specifically and it doesn't mean that I am mad or anything, I am just tired of the comments...I fully understand that comments like that come from a lack of understanding of the disease and I was once like that too...so that's why I'm not mad...I just wish that people would stop with things like that, because just because it has a funny name to the disease doesn't make it any less serious...whoever gave it that name is stupid I think...the only reason that they called it that is because it can be transmitted by saliva, but what viral disease can't right?...most can...so why not call a flu the kissing disease or something...it's just stupid...and besides, there's other was of getting mono...so...yeah...I have no idea what it's called that...

2004-02-23T11:54:00.000-05:00

You know, ever since I got sick, everyone's been asking me oh...who did you kiss, or you've been going around haven't you...blah blah blah...I've only heard a few people actually worry and ask how things are and stuff...and you know...just because this disease is called the kissing disease doesn't mean it's all fun and games...I've never been in so much pain before, I've never suffered more due to an illness...you know at one point every time I swallows my own spit, let alone anything solid, I would gag and choke and almost puke...and I would get splitting headaches and stuff...it's not fun at all...I can take a joke and all, but that's all I'm getting, anything anyone says to me is a joke, hardly anyone comes up to me and asks how I'm doing, but a lot of people come up to me and ask who did I kiss to get it...you know this disease is caused by a pretty common virus that 90-95% of people would have been infected with by adulthood...it's no laughing matter...people don't laugh when you are down with a sore throat or down with a bad fever, so why would people laugh about mono?...I have to skip school for this and if I skip too much, I will have to withdraw from this term meaning I wasted all my hard work for this term and on my 4th year design project and I have to be set back at least a year...I can't just pick up where I left off a term from now...that's no laughing matter now is it??...I guess it's something that you won't really appreciate until you go through...I can admit that I didn't really know what it was until I got it...all I thought it was was a license to sleep all day, but that's not it at all, that's just a minor part, I don't even feel like sleep all that much, it's the pain of it all that is the bad part...when you open up your mouth and look inside and can't see an opening, there's no scarier thing...people have died because it got so bad that their airways were blocked...there was one night when I couldn't sleep at all because there was so much pain...and this was after taking tylenol-3...that stuff is pretty strong...but every few minutes I could gag and choke and had to sit up...trust me, it's no laughing matter, I pray that none of you out there ever have to go through it...

2004-02-19T17:21:00.000-05:00

oh no...I went to the doctors today, seeing as how my lymph nodes were so swollen that whenever I swallow, they would pinch my tonsils and cause a gagging reflex...so yeah...the guy said two possible likelyhoods, 1 is that I have strep throat which can be cured with 24 hours of antibotics and the other is mono, which has no cure and you have to wait it out...so I took the test for strep and I don't have that, also took a bloodtest and I will find out tomorrow is I have mono, which is so bad, I can't afford to be sidelined for so long, everything in waterloo moves so fast that one week will kill you, a few weeks will just get you to a point of no return...but chances are I have mono...booo...I don't know what to do...

2004-02-18T10:47:00.000-05:00

so things suck right now, I'm chugging along trying to get through my midterms, and on sunday, I started feeling a sore throat...okay, I have gotten sore throats before, so no big deal...but then it turns out this sore throat is due to swollen lymph nodes in the neck, so basically, whenever I swallow, it really hurts...and to add to that, I've been having trouble regulating my body temperature, ie probably a fever...hopefully this lymph node this is just my body's way of creating more white blood cells to fight the fever and it's not the result of something like mono or strep throat...I really can't afford that right now, I have so much to do and even next week, I have so many assignments due...and these midterms, I've basically written them off, if I do well, then I do well, I'm just going to go in and chug my way through them, I really am not in the physical state to study...booo...

2004-02-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

boo...can you believe this?...such a shame...

Suspended Animation

2004-02-12T12:45:00.000-05:00

....waiting for water to boil...water takes so long to boil when you are hungry eh...haha...7 minutes inbetween posts...you can tell I am very jumpy right now...just feel like doing something but can't really...I can't really sit still right now...don't know why...waiting for my lunch...so hungry...still upset over the shipping thing...don't know what to do about that...booo...and last night was quite the weird experience...more specifically last night while I was sleeping...I was sleeping, then I felt very very cold...I mean extremely cold...I was shivering so much even with two blankets...and it wasn't just a normal type of cold...I was shivering and my hands were so numb and my teeth were chattering...I felt like I had pneumonia or something, I had to wrap myself into a ball or something...so I tried to warm up but couldn't, jsut got colder and number...so I got up and took a few deep breaths and then tried to put on a sweater or something, but I had to take it off, because I was having trouble breathing, I was so cold that I couldn't breath...so yeah, I felt so sick and almost felt like puking...but then after about an hour of that, that was gone and almost instantly I felt warm...so fine, I was happy, tried to go back to sleep, but then felt hot, very very hot, so I spent the rest of the light trying to fall asleep but couldn't because I was sweating too much and because of that I was tossing and turning...so in one night I went from one spectrum to the next...so very weird...never has such a bad night before in my life...I don't know why that happened though...maybe it's the irregular sleeping schedule I've been having lately, or maybe it's been the overwhelming stress of studying, or maybe the lack of proper nutrition...hmmmmmmmm...so weird...I hope I never experience that every again...

2004-02-12T12:30:00.000-05:00

you know what really annoys the heck out of me, when you order something online, say from the states, and you expect it to get here within a specific time, so you make plans based around those plans and give it a few days for unexpected things...say 3 days advanced notice or something...so you order something from the states, it's a safe bet to expect it within a week, so you should give it a week and say 3 days, but what is really annoying is when the seller, claiming to ship it within a day or two of ordering, decides to ship it a week later...I ordered something on Sunday, and after constant emailings, I was told my package will be shipped tomorrow...that is totally stupid, that's a week in terms of shipping times, so they decided to wait a week for some odd reason and seeing as how I was planning to go home next week, I was hoping to get it before I go home, which wasn't such an outragious expectation, but now, seeing as how it was delayed a week, there's a very very small chance for it to get here in time, now, instead of having two weeks of shipping time available, I only have one week, but even in the best of times, usps can't do it in a week, so I'm totally screwed now...I am so upset over this, they said it would be shipped this week, not the end of this week...how irresponsible is that?...and now I don't know when the next time it is that I will be going back to Toronto so that totally messes everything up...like totally, could set things back like 2 months even...who knows right, the next time I go back could be the end of the term...so blah...this really really sucks...stupid shop, taking forever to send...I spent the whole morning emailing the person and looking for other shops that have better policies and with the same stuff...couldn't find it...so now, the plan is to ship it to my Toronto address and hope that it will get there on Friday...I highly, highly doubt that...boooooooooooooo....

2004-02-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

The weekend was fun...spent the whole time slacking and doing no work, but that was expected...oh well...it was worth it...

now it's crunch time...time to really pick up the pace...never before had I have so much to learn with so little time...please pray for me...midterms at in a week and I have four courses to catch up on, all of which I am still on the first assignment set...or not even for some of them...I hate school...but I have to do what I have to do...I wasn't put here to slack or to fail...I was put here to try my hardest and whatever happens, happens for a reason...if I try and fail, at least I know it is not my fault but it just wasn't meant to be...

2004-01-28T10:42:00.000-05:00

So...with yesterday's school closure, we are now in a mad scramble to find a prof for the fourth year design...
what sucks is that we have until this Friday...we already have a prof in mind, but if he says no, then it's going to be a pretty bad, at that point we would really need to scramble like crazy...and it doesn't help that our schedule doesn't really mess well so we can't really see the prof as a group...this really sucks...I hope we can get one today...

on a side note, there are so many things to do yet so little time...I don't know what to do...I have to manage my time a lot better...determine what's a good use of my time and what's a bad use of my time...if something is not worth it for me to sacrifice my time for, then I shouldn't cave in and waste my time for stupidness...I also need to learn to focus...no more of this reading and then forgeting a second later...I have no idea what to do though...because engineering books are just so very very boring...any tips on how to focus???...what to do...hmmmmmm...and 4th year design project is taking up a lot more time then it should...booooooo...midterms are coming up really really soon...I need to get my act together...no more stupidness...

2004-01-27T10:49:00.000-05:00

school is cancelled...booo...I was going to skip all my classes anyways...so I get nothing out of it...and I hate it when engineering classes are cancelled...they are so unwilling to miss a class that they will make you make it up later and end up making us go to class at some odd hour and having like 6 hours of straight lectures or something...3 hours is bad enough...anything more is just brutal...

and yeah, my plans for valentines are ruined now...all that planning and all the thought put into it all gone down the drain...it was such a great plan too...booooo...oh well...I guess I should be studying anyways...seeing as how other people's reading weeks is my midterm week...boy does that suck...and I guess I do get to save some money...man, I've been looking at prices for things, and everything is marked up for that day...so ridiculous...I found this one place that is charging $110 per person for the food...that doesn't include drinks...sad thing is I will be here all alone studying...booo...everyone is going back since they have reading week...

I can just picture it now...an empty campus, with snow falling ever so gently...not a single soul in sight...all except for one guy...walking along...all alone...trailed by a single set of tracks...and as the snow continues to fall, the tracks slowly disappear...just like that forgotten little soul...slowly disappearing from our memories...haha...wouldn't the be a great ending to a sad movie???...

anyways...school sucks majorly...so much work, so many things to do...no time to do it...no focus and energy to do it...everything is just so depressing here in waterloo...here's a warning to all you future waterloo engineering wannabes...DON'T...it's not worth it...

2004-01-18T11:34:00.000-05:00

Due to unpopular demand, two more lines have been added to my lineup of designer stuff...
In addition to my designer line, I have also designed the KABO line and the Not So Designer Edmond Chow line...
The KABO line is for those that want designer but can't exactly afford designer prices.
The Not So Designer Edmond Chow line is for those that don't want to wear designer stuff but likes Edmond Chow so much that they want to sport his gear...

Here's where you can purchase these amazing line of apparel featuring your favourite guy in the world:
Edmond Chow, Designer Stuff with Designer Prices and Not So Designer Stuff with Not So Designer Prices

2004-01-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

Went shopping today...and noticed the outrages prices on Von Dutch stuff...not even nice stuff, just tshirts and stuff like that...that's just ridiculous...but you know what...if you can't beat them, join them...
So I have decided to be a designer as well on the side when I am not studying and stuff...
here's my slogan...

You've heard of Paul Frank and Von Dutch, now get ready for Edmond Chow. Not just an imitation.

Nice and simple and straight to the point...you guys should buy now while it's cheap...when I get famous and my designer stuff is all over the place, you won't even be able to come near the prices...here's the link:
Edmond Chow, Designer Stuff with Designer Prices

and if you think the stuff is a little on the expensive side, just remember, this is designer stuff...and the high prices is what makes it designer...

2004-01-08T18:14:00.000-05:00

Fine Fine, I'll update as per request...what have I been up to?...I'm settled in nicely now, things haven't picked up yet, but they will pick up really quickly starting next week, and I do mean quickly...oh well...

I've been spending a lot of time on the phone...wink wink...nudge nugde...but it's all good, I like it...it helps me unwind and relax from the day...hopefully once things pick up I'll still be able to spend the same amount of time on the phone...

what more do I have to say?...any requests??...

I guess since everyone else mentioned something about "show me the meaning of haste" on their blogs, I'll explain where that all came from...when someone says that in my car, it's a personal challenge to me to step on the gas and go go go...just like when Gandalf said it to his horse...That trip was fun...so many fun times...so many memories...one of my favourites...aside from those private moments...wink wink nudge nudge once again...was when that guy was tailing me...oh was that fun...oh did I show him...never challenge me when I am behind the wheel...I am not to be held responsible as to what happens...that is one of the few times I let my emotions get the best of me...

anyways, that's all for now...nudge nudge nudge...wink wink wink...

2004-01-05T01:32:00.000-05:00

So I just lost my template once again...man...this sucks...now I have to remodify all the code again with the links and stuff...boourns...

2004-01-05T01:27:00.000-05:00

So, just moved in today, still a bit disorganized and that will probably remain true until a few weeks from now...things will probably settle in nicely and the flow will come about...

Anyways, I guess most of you know by now so there's no more point in hiding it...If you don't know, then just ask around, I'm sure people have talked about and people know...

I'm going to miss the good times I had this past term...from the sunday afternoon study sessions to the fun filled amazing days...it was all good, would have never expected things to work out the way they did 4 months ago...shows you how even in the most hopeless and unexpected situations, good can come out of it...I have learned long ago not to get depressed about the situations that I am in and to just have faith and trust in God that things will work out, maybe not immediately, maybe not as I planned, but things will always work out and something will come out of it...I have lots of fond memories from these past few months and they will always remain part of me...thanks to all that were part of it...

2003-12-25T03:12:00.000-05:00

oh boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....
I lost my old template....this really really really really sucks........
boooooooooooooooooooooo...now I can't seem to get it back...boooooo

2003-12-24T19:08:00.000-05:00

So, I spent most of the day working on my report...it's going slowly, but it's getting there...hopefully I will finish soon...maybe even tonight...hmmm...wishful thinking...it's doable...well...maybe the first draft at least...

and the details of the ski trip to ottawa/montreal still haven't really been finalized...I hope everything works out...

I'm just procrastinating write now...haha...don't really have much to say...so trying to kill time...la la la...not working yet...la la la...still killing time...la la la...no I'm not drunk...la la la...okay...that's enough...

one more thing...thanks for that promise you made...it really means a lot to me...and I know you will keep it...

that's all for now...I guess back to work for me...

2003-12-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

So what have I been doing these past few days?

After going through my last day at Joyce, and what a sad day that was, I did a bunch of shopping...I'm really going to miss those kids...really...some of them I won't ever get to see or talk to ever again...the thought of that just saddens me...

These past few days of shopping have been hectic...good thing I didn't have to do it alone...thanks to all those that went with me...you know who you are...

and yesterday I was able to take a break from shopping...that was such a fun and amazing day...too bad it had to end...oh well...there will be more of those...

and now that my shopping is mostly done, I still have to finish my report...don't feel like that though...today I had a big, man's breakfast...that was just about 30 min ago...now I just feel like sleeping...I'm such a glutton...here's a pic of what I ate...

there were 6 eggs, one huge ham steak, one monster mutant potato, and tons and tons of oil...this all adds up to one sleepy Ed and a lot of calories...

2003-12-17T07:39:00.000-05:00

Oh man...so tiredddddddd...I've never seen such big, dark puffiness under my eyes before...super duper dark coffee...here I come...

2003-12-17T04:01:00.000-05:00

So...I found out that I give off the impression to some people that I'm selfish and conceited...that really sucks...I never knew that I give off the impression...people believe what they believe and I can't change that, but to think that that's what they think of me based on what I say and do...this really bugs me not the fact that people think that but that I give off the impression...I'm upset at myself for that...One of the things I dislike the most is conceited people and to think that some people think that about me, it really hurts...I'm not going to sit here and try to defend myself or to argue whether or not I am conceited, because the fact is, regardless of whether or not I am, people think that and that in itself is a big problem to me....I know if says in the bible that we shouldn't care what people think about us for in the end we are judged by God and God alone, but I've always believe that if people have the wrong impression of you, then that in itself is wrong not because you are worried about how you are viewed, but more of how God is viewed through you...what kind of a witness is someone who appears to be conceited?...it's not good, regardless of whether or not he is or isn't...so I'm up at 4, trying to figure out how I can change that image...I know that I'm not good with first impressions, I'm not good at showing people who I really am and a lot of times I portray the wrong image of me...don't get me wrong, I am not seeking the approval of others...I already know that some don't think of me that way, as being selfish, but to me, if even one person thinks that, then that's one person too much...

this really bugs me...it all stems from when I was a kid...I was selfish, like most kids...and my sister always called me that...I really hated it...I've tried to change from those ways, and I think I did...but it still bugs me so very very much when people call me that...it means that I am doing something wrong...because charity is about others, not about yourself...so you should be judged by others and not by yourself when it comes to charity...

On another topic, I am really started to feel burnt out...the lack of sleep I've been getting is really starting to take effect...everytime I drive now, I drive in a state of half awakeness...this can't be good for me...it'll be over soon...crunch time is almost over...then I can rest all I want...these past two days have been quite the experience...two field trips over two days...one was fun and amazing, the other was a nightmare...it's surprising how kids can be little angels one minute and total devils the next...oh well...as the old saying goes, kids will be kids...

I guess it's time for me to go to sleep now...three hours till I have to wake up again...that's barely a nap...oh well...that's what you have to do during crunch time...time is running out and there's still so much to do...if only I was not bounded by time...

2003-12-11T23:53:00.000-05:00

So I went to Pioneer Village today with the grade 2's.
That was nice, to see the fun that the kids were having.
Here's a picture of the group that I was watching.
There is no better thing than to see little kids smiling and laughing.

On a side note, I'm really lacking sleep and really stressed, but I have to race the clock...Thanks for helping me, you know who you are...I really appreciate it...

2003-12-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

Hey Lucia, Jennifer, and Carmen...

I know you guys are reading this...you guys have too much time on your hands, go read a book or something...or better yet...start studying for that province wide test thingy you have in grade 6...haha...

2003-12-08T23:47:00.000-05:00

I've been so very very tired lately...haven't been getting enough sleep...way not enough...like 3 to 4 hours a night...there's just so many things to do and not enough time to do it in...mostly because I'm trying to take on so many things at once...but it'll be over soon...

my head is spinning right now, I feel so light headed from the lack of sleep...but I can't stop now...and I'm filled with so much confusion now...hopefully that will be resolved soon...oh well...life goes on...take whatever life throws at you and make the best out of it...

2003-12-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

Oh no!! I have become one of those people who don't blog in ages...sorry to those that are still out there and are still checking this out...my life has been interesting lately...I don't know how else to put it...I have gone through many experiences which I did not think I would ever go through...the biggest of which is the volunteering thing at Joyce PS...

It is such an unusual experience for an engineering coop student to go through...but I don't regret it...I've never prayed to God specifically for a job, I have just been praying all this time for patience and to accept whatever path He leads me on...and I was somewhat disappointed at first that I didn't get a well paying engineering job, but looking back on it, I think this experience was better than any experience I could of had at rim or whatever...At first, I really wanted to work at RIM this term for the money and to be in Waterloo with friends so I could spend time just chilling and getting closer with them, but life here in Toronto has been a lot better than I have expected...this job with kids has really offered me rewards which I could have never imagined...the memories I will have because of this experience will always remain with me...I have met some wonderful people here in Toronto that I probably wouldn't have met and I have become closer with those that I wasn't as close to before...I think that this state of unemployment was such a blessing...not from a financial or career standpoint, but I really take what I can get...

It's funny sometimes how things work out in ways that you don't predict...I could have never have imaged before this term started that I would be where I am now...just the things that have happened and stuff...there are some downsides to this state of unemployment like a failed work term and a harder time finding a job later on, but it's still great, a different kind of great, but none the less...

This past saturday I went to the missions cafe and lisa shared about her experiences at urban promise and I remember this one statement she made, she said how she loved those kids even though they put her through so much pain and headaches, that is exactly how I feel about my kids...I love them so much, but at the same time, they get on my nerves so much...sometimes I can't tell if I want to hug them or if I just want to strangle them (figuratively of course)....

Right now, I am starting to worry about my workterm report...I have no idea what to write about and I don't know where to start...I've also been struggling to keep up spiritually but I'm trying to change that...there's also been other things on my mind, but that can be left for another day...I'm just taking life one day at a time right now...my future has become more uncertain than ever before and I just don't know where to go from here and where God wants me to be...

I just ask all you out there right now to just pray for me, pray for guidance, that I can see where God wants me to go, what God wants me to do, which path God wants me to take...

Right now, I have a sense of peace, even though I am lost, I know that if I truly listen, God will guide me and I see it as a blessing that I live in a place and time where I do have the choice, where I have these kinds of struggles, where I have the freedom to choose how I live, how I work, and how I play...

I guess that's all for now, kindof jumbled, but I'm sure those who have read this far will be able to figure out what I am saying...

2003-10-07T00:05:00.000-04:00

Time for some ramblings...

don't you guys find it annoying when you try to make a point to someone, but they are the type that has such a big problem with comprehension and always focus on the wrong part of a statement?...Like right now, I am teaching some ESL kids about comprehension and even though they don't know english that well, they still have better comprehension than some people I know...When you try to make a point to someone, it's often an effective tool to use an example to illustrate your point and then finalize by concluding your point...well, it doesn't work if the person focuses on that illustration you gave and says, oh I'm not like that, I didn't do that...they don't realize that that's the illustration, not the point...take Pastor Tim for example, he always likes to use silly illustrations before he makes his point in his sermons, I remember there was this one about tupperware...now wouldn't it be so stupid and annoying if someone went up to Tim afterwards and said how they weren't tupperware and argued without even understanding Tim's point in the sermon wasn't that people are like tupperware...some people just don't understand how to distinguish between the main point and the filler part...and it's just so hard to talk to these people...they just annoy the heck out of me...you want to try to help these people, that's why you give them your opinion on things, but when they don't understand it just gets so annoying...you start to lose respect for their intelligence...

And then there's another thing that's annoying...when you try to convince someone about something and they unintentionally try to change the topic, not because they don't want to talk about what you are talking about, but they just don't understand things in general...like you tell them something that you think, and they try to argue it by telling you something else...there's nothing wrong with that, it's called a debate, but it doesn't work if the argument has nothing to do with the initial statement...it's like apples and oranges, you are talking about apples and make some statement about an apple...like say, "the apple is red", and then the other person will say, "oh, you are wrong, an orange is not red, it's orange"...well...obviously I never had a conversation like that with someone, and in most cases, I wouldn't even need to have this little disclaimer, but I've realized that some people can't even distinguish between the most obvious piece of sarcasm...but that's just an illustration of the type of frustration I go through with some people...you try to help them, but it's almost impossible due to lack of understanding and thought...some people just speak before they even take a second to think to themselves and ask themselve, "hmmm, what could he have meant by that statement, what point is he trying to make"...they just focus on a few words instead of looking at the whole statement...for example, in my simplified apple illustration, this person would focus on the word "red" instead of the combinations of the words "apple" and "red"...now if I had said "this orange is red", then the rebuttal would have made sense, but that wasn't my statement...so I just get so annoyed at people when they don't even think...

or maybe I'm just too critical of people and some are just bound to live in a life of mediocracy and lack of understanding...

oh well...that's my venting for the day...

2003-10-01T02:36:00.000-04:00

Haven't blogged in a long time...don't really have much to share...it's not that things haven't been happening, but I just figured no one wanted to here about it...but for those of you who are interested, I don't know why you would be, but here is what's been happening...

The university fellowship has decided to have a planning committee this year or this term or whatever...and I have decided to be on it...we still don't know how many we want on the committee or who's going to be on it, so that's going to be interesting to see how we figure this one out...

Another thing, since I have no job, and I've been sitting around doing nothing, I figure I might as well do something with my time...so I decided to help out at a grade school with whatever they need help with...ie giving one on one attention to those kids who need extra help with stuff and computer techy stuff that needs to be set up and whatever...I don't mind it, some of the kids can get quite rowdy, but that's okay, they are just kids after all, they're cute and innocent so that makes up for it...I don't mind doing this, but I still have no idea what I'm going to do about money for next term since I have an 8 month study term coming up...that means tuition of $10k plus whatever living expenses will cost...so I'm still hoping to find a job, but it doesn't look too hopeful...I'll just go with whatever happens...if it wasn't for the tuition thing and the experience that a job would give me for future opportunities, I wouldn't mind not getting paid and not getting a real job...but these are the kind of curveballs that life throws at you...I never expected coop to be like this why back when I first started, but it is like this...so I will just look at this as a learning experience...everything happens for a reason...I believe there is a plan for this so I'll just enjoy this while it is happening and get the most out of it as I can...

Nothing else has been going on really besides that...it's just the usual going out for the occassional meal with friends, playing some softball, tutoring some friends...nothing special...my life is quite boring...

2003-09-20T06:50:00.000-04:00

It is now almost 7am...can't really sleep...does anyone else think I am messed up??...

I don't know why I can't sleep...maybe it's the coke I drank, but then I drank that like 10 hours ago...oh boy...and I have to get up at 10 tomorrow...hum...something is seriously wrong with me...

2003-09-15T02:29:00.000-04:00

Got my marks today for last term. I'm not happy with the marks and I am not disappointed. Hard to explain. First time ever I didn't get any 60s which is good. Did better than last term so that's good too. Hopefully this upwards trend will continue and I can do even better next term. That is all for now.

2003-09-10T00:15:00.000-04:00

Haven't blogged in a while and since people are asking why I don't, where he's a short one. Had my birthday today, never really though of my birthday as anything special. Just another day in a life filled with many days. However, I did go into Waterloo to relax with a few friends and just have dinner. Thanks for all of those who did come and thanks to all those who didn't, I know you guys wanted to but couldn't. But it was really great, not that people came out to my bday, but that I got to hang out with the gang again, it was nice. I guess that's what makes bdays special, it gives a reason to go hang out with those that are closest to you, not that I need a reason, but my parents need a reason and those in school need a reason to put off school so any reason is a good reason. It was nice seeing you guys again, even though it has only been a few days, wish I was there this term. The ride back was good too, had some nice conversation. Thanks.

2003-08-15T22:24:00.000-04:00

So, today bored as I was, I decided to go on a rollerblading adventure. I decided to go visit the Oracles and Lumas pool party up at James's place. Now for those of you who don't know, I live down at Pape and Danforth and James's lives up at hwy 7. Needless to say, I was a bit crazy at the time, but I set out on my journey. Right around when I was at Fairview, I called James's and apparently my ride couldn't wait for me so I wasn't about to go all the way up there and get stranded. So I decided to go for plan B. My brother's place was near there and so I decided to head over there hoping that my mom was still there so I can get a ride. She was not since my brother hasn't signed the forms yet due to the blackout. So plan C, blade home from there. It was an interesting journey. I realized that Toronto is not a flat city. The city is just a series of hills which are a killer if you try to blade through it. I also realized how dangerous it is to blade when power is out and there's no lamps out. Regardless, I got home safely and in one piece, soaked from head to toe, but in one piece regardless. Here is a map of my feat. For those of you who don't think it is a big accomplishment, then good for you, I applaude you, but it was a big feat for me since it was so hot outside and just a little less than four months ago, I couldn't even blade a block without falling.

2003-08-15T05:35:00.000-04:00

Boy, what an interesting experience, never before have I seen my whole icq contact list offline before. It was so boring with no electricity and everyone freaking out. I wanted to go do some night time rollerblading, but no one was up for it. With a little flashlight and a lightly coloured shirt, I'm sure it'll be fine. Cars have headlights and I'm sure it if was a collision between me and a pedestrian, I would win out. Oh well.

2003-08-13T01:02:00.000-04:00

So, I'm finally done. 3A term is behind me, a term which I thought I would fail for sure, but I probably didn't. I heard from a lot of people that this term was particularly hard, I even heard a quote of 20% failure rate. It was hard, I can't say that it wasn't, but it turn out okay I guess. I never worked so hard in my life before in school and it was so draining, but all in all, I know that God helped me threw it. I'm just thankful that it is all behind me, there were ups and downs throughout the term, but it's behind me now.

I still haven't found a job yet, or at least haven't heard back from anyone about getting a job so I am starting to wonder what I should do about tuition and living expenses next term. I have a 8 month study term coming up after this work term and tuition alone for those 8 months will reach about $10,000 or more including books. So I have no idea how I am going to get that money, unless I find a job. But it seems like every job that I get is so useless in term of experience, and all those jobs that do offer good experience don't hire me either due to lack of relevant experience or due to me messing up on the interview or both. One idea I had was to just spend the term doing various EE design projects, but then that will not solve my money problems. It will probably help me in terms of getting better aquainted with things I should know as an electrical engineering student, but can I afford to do that?

I realize that my problem is that I'm not blessed with a good memory or a long attention span. In fact, I think I have one of the worse memory out of everyone I know, I don't mean recollection of events and happenings, but recollection of things that I learn and things that I should know. The reason I got this far was because I'm blessed with a very analytical and fast mind, but that's useless if I don't have the power of recollection. I mean what's the point of understanding if you don't remember what you are supposed to understand. That's one of the downfalls I have that is preventing me from getting a job. It is easier to test for how much you remember about technical things than to test how well you can understand and process things. In fact, it's almost impossible to test that kind of stuff in a short interview. So basically, the gifts I was given is going to waste because I have no way of proving it to people.

And I am finally home. I still have to go back and move some more stuff, but I have no idea where I am going to put my stuff. I live in such a small area at home, I don't even have a closet or anywhere to hang my clothes. My whole wardrobe is contained in one tiny laundry basket that sits on the floor. It's so tiny that I basically have enough clothes for a one week cycle and then I have to wash again. And that's for all year round. So for those of you who wonder why I wear tshirts in winter, it's because I have no room to put the clothes, that little basket of mine can only hold so much. You might be wondering why I don't just get another basket? Well, there's no room to put it. When I say I have no room, I really mean that. I have to hop over that basket just to get out of my so called "room". Regardless, it's a long story, but I can tell you more another time if you are interested, just ask me. So now, I don't even know where I am going to put my computer. I basically get about a fourth of the amount of room I had in Waterloo. Even my res room was twice as big as my "room" here. So that's my life. Pretty sad eh?. The truth is, I don't really like it here, but what can I do....

2003-08-07T23:16:00.000-04:00

Oh man, I am so unbelievably burnt out right now. All this studying has finally gotten to me. I've never felt so drained in my life, both physically and mentally. It's not because I'm stressed or whatever, but I've just spent so much time studying that I'm at my limit now. In the past two weeks, I must have spent at least 12 hours per day at the library. And I am still not done, I still have two more, one tomorrow morning, and then one on Tuesday. I haven't even touched the course yet for Tuesday's course. I have no idea what was going on for the last month or so in that course. And on Monday, I have an interview. It is a pretty important interview, a very good position, but very technical so I expect lots of technical questions during the interview which I doubt I'll be able to answer. And it doesn't help that I suck at interviews. This sucks, this is without a doubt the worse exam period I've had so far.

2003-08-05T11:47:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking some more about the message on sunday, and after reading the bible some more and having some discussion with people, I've come to this conclusion. He may or may not have a plan for us here on earth. That, I have not determined, but I've realized that it doesn't matter that much, because He is so much above us that He's not for us to understand sometimes. So yeah, but I know that He does have something planned for us after our time here on earth. Something beyond anything we can imagine here on earth. I know that without a doubt because it's even said so in the bible. So I guess whether or not you believe that our happenings here on earth are planned by Him or not, you can still have hope that eventually things will be better. Whether that is short term or long term, you know that in the long term things will work out like He planned. So now you may ask what's the point of the things we do here on earth then if His long term plan will work out, well, this is what I think, the time here on earth will prepare us for our time later. It will determine where we spend eternity and how we spend eternity.

One mystery I still can't understand and that's still on my mind is this. God made is with this urge to find someone to spend our lives with right? This was done way back in genesis. That, I don't doubt. But then you always hear people say how they will one day be reunited with their loved ones in heaven, but doesn't it say in the bible that in heaven, you won't have any loved ones specifically, everyone will love each other equally and live in harmony? So you find a spouse here on earth, then you both go to heaven, you won't be one anymore right? That's something I don't get, and I probably won't get till the time comes. Oh well, just one of my many ramblings.

2003-08-04T02:26:00.000-04:00

Spent almost the whole day today at the library. I went there after eating lunch after church. For the first hour or two, I couldn't stay awake at all, the page never turned. After that, when I was finally awake, I couldn't focus. I spent the whole time thinking. Those of you who have been keeping up know that I like to think a lot.

The sermon today at cfc was one which really affected me. It was one of those where not everyone will agree, but disagreement is not a bad thing. Ken Taylor basically said that he doesn't believe God planned out every little detail in our lives. And when I say every little detail, that even means the spouse you choose. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I still don't know if I side with his opinion on this or I disagree with him on this one. Spent the whole afternoon thinking. His arguement was that we are not specifically told in the bible that God planned all these things for us. Which I guess is true. He also used the free will argument, which got me to think a lot. If we are given free will, and we are able to choose, then wouldn't we be able to choose to deviate from God's plan? But then I also thought of this, what if God planned for us to disobey Him or whatnot. As you can see, I went in circles all afternoon. The conclusion I came up with is that God is so far beyond us that we are not to understand completely how He works. I did come up with this though. I was thinking, if it doesn't say in the bible that God does plan out every little detail, then why is it so commonly believed that He does? Because to be honest, I was pretty confident that He does, until today's sermon. This is how I would explain it. The reason it is commonly believed that God plans everything for us is because it is written so in so many christian books. And often times, I think that we read these books or listen to sermons and think that this person is so much wiser than us that we just accept what we are told. I used to do that. But I've learned that they have their own opinion, and they may be right, they may be wrong, it's just their interpretation of things. I've realized that there is really nothing you can be certain about in this world aside from what is taught in the bible. Everything else is an interpretation and we should all listen to what is said with an open mind, but then decide for ourselves if we think it is true or not.

I also spent some time at the library reading this terms Insight. It was pretty much all about dating. Which got me thinking once again. The truth is, I think about this a lot, maybe more than I should. I've learned to not put so much emphasis on it, because I believed that God has something planned and has a spouse planned out for me. But then thinking about today's sermon, what if He doesn't? Then does that mean it's a free for all and you better act fast or all the good ones will be taken?? That's something that's hard for me to believe. So I don't know what to believe anymore. It has always been a comfort to me to know that God has everything planned. That He will find me a spouse and if not, He will help me accept the single life. But if what Ken Taylor believes is true, then there goes that theory right.

Another thing that I realized during my time of thinking was this. I put too much emphasis on relationships. More specifically, dating relationships. I have to learn to accept the gift of singleness and to take advantage of it while I still have the chance. The mistake I made before was that instead of making sure that I was right for the other person and the other person was right for me, I was blinded by the fact that we both had emotional feelings for each other. I don't know if this is absolutely true or not, but I think that it's not that hard to grow an emotional attachment to someone. Emotional attachment is not enough though. I think that the reason a lot of relationships don't work out is because the main criteria for initiating the relationship in the first place is mutual feelings for each other. I think that was what happened with me in the past. What I realize now is that I need to find someone who, for one thing has the same belief as me, well, that's a given, but on top of that, I think I need to find someone I can really communicate with, someone who isn't afraid of me, who is willing to be brutally honest with me when there is a need. As well, I need to find someone that I can be brutally honest with. When I look around and I see those relationships that last and those that don't, the biggest difference I see is the closeness. When I say closeness, I don't mean physical, but what I mean is on a deeper level. Those lasting relationship seems to have lots of communication, not just daily happenings, but actual sharing of thoughts and feelings. And there's no fear of offending the other person, because there's enough confidence there that they know that they can be themselves around the other person.

Which brings up yet another topic that I was thinking about. I kind of shared this already, but it's so important to be yourself. That's probably the biggest thing I've learned this term. If people are not going to like you for you, then they shouldn't like you at all. I've tried to stop using commonly spoken phrases, because they have no meaning, they are not from me, they are from other people. I've learned to use my own words and to not be afraid of offending people. The more I respect someone, the more open I am with them in the things I say. The only hard part is making sure that you are not judging, that you are helping. I've learned that speaking cliches and speaking shallow nonsense are both equally bad. And that politeness is something you offer to strangers, respect is what you give to friends.

2003-07-30T00:53:00.000-04:00

Did absolutely no work today...went to class...didn't pay attention at all...slept most of the time...the other time I spent just thinking...I've realized that I think too much...just about anything and everything...why do I do that?...it's such a waste of time...

And after class, I just came home and fell asleep...library was all full...so I just came home...but I never get any work done at home...I spent the night chatting...which wasn't all bad...but that just means that I am farther behind in my studying...which is so bad...oh well...

I also spent some time thinking about my past...reminiscing...there seems to be a constant trend in my life...very few people remain constant in my life...I don't know why...maybe I just don't put up the effort to keep people around...like take for example all those I was close to in high school...everyone of them are gone now...not part of my life...and even over the years in university, I've lost some people...some that were very close to me...closer than anyone else...but they are gone now...I know I shouldn't focus on the past and just look to the future...but just the thought of it is so depressing...is this going to be what it's like?...are those closest to me now going to be part of my past once the future comes around?...will we each go our seperate ways?...A friend of mine once told me about this theory of his...about how everyone in his life will eventually drift apart...and at some point it will reach a plateau...now the time it took to reach that plateau will be the amount of time it will take for him to grow apart from that person...and guess what...he was right...it took about two years for us to reach a plateau in our relationship...and that was back in first year...and now...we rarely talk...he was right...so depressing...to think that a lot of the people that I am building relationships with right now might not be a significant part of my life anymore within a few years...

so what is the point?...that's something I've always wondered...I'm still going to try...but deep inside I know we will all go our seperate ways...and it doesn't help when people tell me not to dwell on the past...the past will always be part of you...no matter what...to think that all that time spent working on a relationship and now it's all gone?...just seems like a waste...oh well...what's done is done...people come and go...and I've learned that I will come and go in and out of people's lives...that's just life...

it's amazing though...how fast people can grow apart...I remember how close I was to some people this time last year...and now...we don't even talk...oh well...

and no...I am not in a state of depression or something...I know it does sound a little depressing, but it's just an observation...one of my many...that's what I do...just sit and think about things like this...making observations about life and how it works...

And you know...I know someone will come up to me and tell me the "perfect" response to this whole thing...about how God will never leave me and whatnot...I've heard it all...and yes...I believe it...so no more cliches please...I've heard them all...which brings up another observation...a lot of times...people give me these cliches...and they are supposed to help...but it doesn't really...because I've heard them before...and the whole definition of a cliche is something that has lost its meaning over time....I think it's better to just speak from the heart...say what's on your mind...it may not flow and it may not be as eloquent as a cliche may be...but it's more effective...like I've been told many times to "trust in God"...and don't get me wrong...I do trust in Him...but really...wouldn't you expect all christians to know that...wouldn't you expect all christians to have heard that phrase a million times...it's a good one but it's been repeated so many times that it doesn't have the same effect as someone telling you what they think...about what you are doing wrong...or what you are doing right...or how you are not trusting in God...maybe I don't make any sense...and it probably doesn't flow...but at least it's from the heart...I hope I didn't offend anyone by this...I'm just speaking what's on my mind...I really appreciate those of you who try to help me when times are tough or when I am just not seeing what I am supposed to see...thank you...

I think that's all the ranting I have for now...do you guys think that I think too much?...is it a bad thing?...or is it consuming me?...someone told me that I have lots to say...do you guys think so?

2003-07-26T04:23:00.000-04:00

It's now 4:15 and I just finished the fielding order and the batting lineup. I'm so tired. I left for Toronto right after ccf today, though I would come home, work on the softball stuff, then do some studying. That did not work out, what happened instead was I was stuck in traffic for 6 hours, which really sucked. I left Waterloo at 9:30ish and didn't get home till 3. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep, I had to do the softball stuff. I know I could pass on the task, but I asked for it, and I want to do it. It makes me feel that I can do something for the team, since I am unable to contribute in any other way since I'm away. I really want to help the team and be commited, but I can't do that during the weekdays. Hopefully after school is done, I can hang out with the team and get to know them.

Things haven't exactly been going that well lately. School's been stressful, I've tried planning out these studying goals, but I never get them accomplished. I am so behind and everyday I feel more lost. And I've just been so stressed lately and just not able to smile much. I'm trying to learn not to let my happiness or my mood depend too much on my circumstances, but it's so hard. I know God is here with me, helping me along. It's just hard to be happy even knowing and believe that. I spent so much time just sitting around staring off into nothingness while my mind is deep in thought over things. Just things that I've been feeling, things that I can't stop thinking about. I have to learn to just focus. It's so hard. Stupid school, why must they make it so hard.

Anyways, I'm going to try to get a good night's rest and hopefully get up a bit before my game tomorrow to study.

Goodnight all...

2003-07-24T00:46:00.000-04:00

10 signs that Edmond is lacking sleep and going crazy...

1) Edmond slept in today past his two alarms and was late...even more so than normal...for class...
2) Edmond incorporates his alarms into his dreams now so that it can be turned off without being noticed...
3) Edmond can go to class and fall asleep before even sitting down...
4) Edmond goes to the library and ends up doing nothing but sleep...
5) Edmond wakes up from his naps with indentations on his arms and face that last for hours...
6) Edmond forgets what time of day it is...and sometimes think's he's late for class when he just got home from class...
7) Edmond's brain is so dead that he can't even stay focused long enough to remember the beginning of sentences...
8) Edmond almost put shaving cream on his toothbrush and brushed his teeth with it...
9) Edmond's icq away message says "around..." even at five in the morning when he's clearly sleeping...
10) Edmond refers to himself as the third person in his own blog...

2003-07-20T03:43:00.000-04:00

So tired...spent all day studying, but most of it was spent sleeping...can't stay awake while studying...and now it's so late...tried to finish up my lab writeup with no success and tried to make the fielding lineup for tomorrow's game...kindof hard though since I don't know exactly who is going to be there...so I made two copies...with a blank one that can be filled in...hopefully it will all work out...

I know I'm going to pay for it tomorrow though...I am going to be so dead tired...especially since I have to get up for the early service if I plan to make it back to toronto in time for the game...oh well...it's either that or skip church which isn't an option...and now I just found out my printer is running out of toner...man...that means more money down the drain...oh well...

hopefully I won't fall asleep tomorrow while driving...hopefully I won't have to drive back alone...because whenever I do, I tend to fall asleep or at least drift off at some point along the trip...oh well...we'll see how things go tomorrow...I'm praying that it all goes well...and that we have a good game...win or lose...and that it won't rain...I'm really hoping that the team can come together sooner or later...hopefully by the end of the season we can truly call ourselves a team...especially off the field...maybe it's just a lion thing...we had this problem last year too...oh well...whatever happens happens...I just wish that I could be a bigger part in all of this...but I guess with school and all, that's not meant to be...

time for me to go to sleep...hopefully all that rest I got today will make up for the lack of sleep I'm going to get tonight...

2003-07-17T21:33:00.000-04:00

So today at cell group, I was asked to share what I learned this term. I wasn't really able to say anything because I learned so much. I have this problem with collecting my thoughts on the spot; I have to take some time to think about it and then write about it. I was told in grade school that I communicate best through writing, and I guess that's true. So here goes, this is a summary of the things I've learned this term, either from cell group, from fellowship, from conversations and time spent with friends, from devotions or just from observations of others.

1. One of the most important things in life is to be true to what you believe in and to be true to who you are.

I've learned that you can't go through life trying to please everyone and trying to say the right things all the time. You are an individual and God made you different from everyone else. With differences comes conflicts and that's just a fact. You have to be true to yourself and what you believe because you can say all these things, but if you don't believe it, it will show. I've learned to open up and to speak my mind. Sometimes, I risk angering and offending people, but that's okay. I've learned to be brutally honest especially with those closes to me. You have to ask yourself, am I prepared to lose this friendship in the interest of truth? If not, then you haven't got a true friendship. This also lets the other person know who you really are because it's not fair to them if they think you are someone, but in reality you are someone else. You have to have respect for your friends and respect their feelings, but you also have to respect them enough to assume that they can handle the truth.

2. A personal relationship with God must be something that is actively pursued.

This point is so important. Without an active pursuit for a personal relationship with God, it's not going to happen. Sure, it may work sometimes, but when things get tough, or when things get busy, the relationship is going to be pushed aside. I've learned that it is important to set aside a specific time for God. I'm not saying that you can't search for God outside of this time, but within that time, you shouldn't do anything else. This is a good way of letting yourself place God as a priority in your life and not forget about Him. If you set aside a specific time, then you will actively do what you need to do.

3. The importance of friendship and fellowship.

I've realized this term how important fellowship and friendship really is. It is spiritually crucial to have someone to turn to for advice and accountability, even if all that involves is someone who will just sit there and listen to you complain. They don't need to be the wisest person or even have anything to say at all, as long as there's someone. There must be a certain level of trust in this too. Without trust, you will not be able to open up to them and they will not be able to open up to you. As brought up earlier, friendships demand that you leave your comfort zone and confront an unknown wilderness. Friendships and fellowships must be valued and not taken advantage of. You can't choke your friends, ie you have to accept that your friend will have other friends and will not always be there for you, but they haven't deserted you.

4. Trust in God.

This is something that is said so many times, but it can never be overemphasized. You can never trust God too much. This term, I've learned to trust Him even more. I look around me and see how people trust Him so much and I wonder why I can't place that level of trust on Him. Then I realized that it's because my personal relationship with Him is not as strong as if can be. Trust in God is more than just not worrying about things. Trust in God is about sharing everything with Him. God knows everything, but He still wants to hear you tell Him. By telling Him and sharing with Him, it will act as a reminder that He is there. People pray and ask God that He be there with them, but He is always there and He will never desert you; it's remembering that's He's there that is the hard part. And this level of trust must be more than words and actions, it must be there deep down in your heart. That is something that I am still struggling with.

5. We cannot judge others, for it is not for us to judge, we must learn to understand people.

I have this problem with judging others and even though it may not always be a outwards thing, inside, I am constantly judging. A few times this term, I was reminded that I shouldn't judge others and that I should just worry about my own actions and let God be the judge. There's a fine line between judgement and helping. I've learned that if you are not going to lift a finger to help the person, then you should say anything. Like, it's easy to judge and criticize from afar, but what good is that going to do. Active participation is the only way to help. I've also learned that some people go through things that I may not understand and there may be reasons why they do certain things. It's not for me to condemn them or even understand them. The most I can do for them is be there for them if they need help.

6. Persistance in your faith.

This is more like something I was reminded of instead of something that I've learned this term, but important none the less. It's a fact that things will get rough sometimes and it may not be easy, but there must be persistance in your faith. As it is said in James, persistance builds a stronger faith. It's easy to get lazy at times, but that's not acceptible.

7. Being a good witness to others.

I've learned that I am not exactly the best witness to others. It somehow ties into point 1. I've realized that I act differently with different people. And if I look truthfully, how am I with those around me? How do those around me see me? Am I really being a servant as I am supposed to? Am I showing others God's love for us? I have to work on this part of my life. I've learned that we are being watched all the time. Everything we do will have an affect on someone, and it's not only about what we say but it's also about what we do and what we think.

8. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I've learned to assume that people are generally good. That everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. People aren't out to get you, for the most part. Sometimes, things that are said to you can hurt if you let it hurt you, but people don't realize what they are saying. Jokes and sarcastic remarks are not exactly the best things to say, but you can't let them hurt you because they were meant as jokes. I've learned to be less sensitive about these things. I guess this kindof relates to self confidence. If you think people are trying to hurt you with their words or trying to put you down, than that's exactly what's going to happen regardless of whether or not they meant it that way. I've learned that everyone has their own personal flaws and eccentricities and they must not get to you. I've learned that even I have some flaws and eccentricities that I don't see and I wouldn't like it if people say these things as my way of trying to hurt them, because I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

9. Last but not least, Trust in all areas of your life.

This kindof goes with number 4, but as I said it can't be overemphasized. My biggest struggle in life is to trust in God. It's hard for me to just know that He will make things right. Part of that is patience. I have to learn to just be patient and to know that He has His own plan and His own time for everything. I know that I take things into my own hands sometimes and it all just blows up in my face because I didn't trust in Him. I wasn't willing to fight the urge, to fight the temptation. It's so easy to say that you trust and you have patience, but it's easier to convince yourself that something you do is God's plan and God's will. It's so easy to just do what you want and to convince yourself that it's the right thing. Something that I will just have to learn.

Thank you for all those who have helped me this term. Some of you have helped me more than others and I thank you for always being there for me. Hopefully you guys will know who you are. And one final note, you may have noticed that this blog is written with full grammatical structure. I'm just trying to see if I can get away from the icq three dot thing and the incomplete sentences.

2003-07-12T03:18:00.000-04:00

One word explains how I am feeling right now...blah...

2003-07-11T01:45:00.000-04:00

man...stupid computer...crashed in the middle of my blog...and you know what...it was one of those original Edmond blogs...you know...the ones that are long...very long...I think I was well over 1000 words when it crashed...man...it's not going to be the same...you can't retype something like that...a blog is from the heart...it's a feeling...more than it is a story...oh well...I guess I have no choice...here goes...probably won't be as good as the original...

as I was saying before...I should be working now...but I can't really concentrate...I think there's something wrong with me...those that know me know that I skip a lot of my classes...I go to less than half my lectures/tutortials...right now, I only go to lectures for three of my courses...and skip the lectures for the other two courses and the tutorials for all five of my courses...the reason I do this is because I can't pay attention...don't know why...I can sit there for a whole hour...copying down notes and stuff...and not hear a word the prof is saying...it's not that the stuff is over my head...it's just that my mind wonders...no matter how hard I try...maybe I have ADD...maybe not...I don't know...so I just go to classes where they have non-textbook stuff...like real notes or something...but even then...all I do is blindly copy down the notes...not understanding what I am writing...or even knowing what I am writing...and hope that later it will all make sense...some of the things that I end up writing are so wacky...looking back on it...it makes no sense at all...probably because I copied it down wrong or something...oh well...

Now on to something more serious...have you guys even been through a time where you just feel so lost...you just have so many things floating around in your head it's so hard to just organize everything and come up with answers...I have so many decisions to make and none of them are getting made because I just can't think right now...my mind feels like mush...I was reminded today to lay all of my burdens down at God's feet...as in the song...but there lies the problem...I've always struggled with listening and hearing what God has to tell me...I've always struggled with determining if something that pops up into my head is actually God's voice or my own voice...whether I'm just telling myself that it's God's will or if it really is His...I guess there's always that doubt...that's what faith is...but recently...there's just so many decisions to be made...so many questions that every little thing is getting to me now...I am so stressed with questions and decisions to make that it's gotten to the point where something as simple as what to eat tonight or where to eat has stressed me out...I'm at the point where I just skip meals so then I don't have to make that decision...which I know is a silly thing to do...but don't worry...I usually make up for it by eating more later or something...and I know...I'm not supposed to worry about things like this...I read a passage a few days ago about not worrying about what you eat or what you wear...can't remember where...maybe james...maybe somewhere else...

I've been told in the past that I should just do what I think is right and what I think God is telling me...and in the end...if it's the right decision, then God will bring me peace in my heart...and if not...then things will eventually work out the same regardless...is that like testing God?...well...maybe...maybe not...don't know...but I do know we are not supposed to put God to the test...

my hope one day is that I can have complete faith...I don't mean complete faith in Him...because I have that now...but I mean complete faith that the things I do and the things I say are all from Him...and not from my own selfish will...that I can one day listen and hear Him...and follow without a doubt in my mind that it's Him and not me...that was the theme of CC this year...well...actually...no exactly...but one of the themes was listening to God...I should have spent more time focusing on God that weekend and spend more time trying to grow instead of so much time eating and hanging out...which brings me to my next thought...

These past few days, the idea of christian hypocrisy has come up a lot...I was reading yesterday about it and about how only God knows why I do the things I do...and what's really inside my heart...maybe it's a sign that I need to reevaluate the things I do and why I do them...is it all for the glory of God?...to further His kingdom?...or is it only to further myself...because if that's the reason I do things...then why do them at all...I have to stop lying to myself and really spend time evaluating...spend more time judging myself instead of judging others...I've been reading this book on prayer...and it made this interesting point...if you call the things that you do by their real names...then maybe you won't do them anymore...ie...if you stretch the truth or something...like joke around...then you're a liar...regardless of how harmless it is...now if you do that everytime...then maybe you will stop...because no one wants to admit to themselves that they are liars...I think I've been lying to myself though...I don't think my intentions have always been pure...what I mean by that is sometimes I go to so called christian events for the spiritual aspects of it...but if I am totally honest with myself...sometimes I go for the friendship aspect of it instead...which I think is wrong...I don't think it's wrong to have friends and hang out with friends at these things...but if that's the main reason for going...then it's wrong...because by going you are saying you are going in the name of God...which is kindof using God's name in vain if that is not why you go...so that's something I have to work on...

My life isn't all bad though...here's something good...my midterms went fairly well in comparison to other terms...I would have liked higher...well...who wouldn't...but in terms of the overall average I got...it turned out pretty well...I worked so hard this term though...because in the past I have been kindof lazy...which isn't exactly a good way to live my life...I've asked myself why am I here...and I realized that God put me here at UW for a reason...I don't know what that is...but I know it's not to fail out because of laziness...and what kind of a witness is that to someone...seeing me not do any work and not pulling my weight...so this term I promised that I would term over a new leaf and it seems to be going okay...for once I went into each of my midterms knowing that I will do okay...not that I will get perfect...but that I will do okay...and even when I had any doubt, I was able to trust in God...because I know that I did my part by studying and whatever I get, I get because it's God's will...whereas in the past...even if it was His will for me to do well...that could not have happened because I didn't do my part...how could He help me do well...if I didn't know any of the material...that would just be cheating right...if God gave me an 80% but I didn't know 80% of the course material...so this term...I was able to be at peace with whatever I got...which is a good feeling...even if I did bad...I would know that that is what He wanted and He has something planned...and everything has a reason...

hum...whatelse is there...I think that's all for now...it's kindof all jumbled up...but that's what happens when you just write with no planned structure...but that's okay...it is a blog after all...hopefully it won't be that long before the next one...

bye for now...

2003-07-02T00:24:00.000-04:00

Haven't blogged in a long time....decided to write something short....and explain a little as to why I have stopped...school has been very busy....and the few spare moments I have are usually spent out and away from my computer or back in toronto...so in short...that is why...I aimed a little higher this term...and after seeing the midterm results...I don't think it was meant to be...I will just take it one step at a time...work as hard as I can....while maintaining a balance...and whatever I get, that is what I will get...better than lazying around and hoping to get the squeak by....hopefully this way, at least I know that I tried and it just wasn't meant to be...

bye for now...don't know when the next one will be...

2003-04-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter...this is my baby...too me so long to make...started a fire in the process...

2003-04-11T10:19:00.000-04:00

I spent the whole morning surfing online bookstores...and just realized that my books for next term will add up to over $700....add that to the $4250 tuition and the cost of rent and food and utilities...that's going to be a super expensive 4 months...stupid engineering...trying to kill me...it's going to cost me like $8000 just for the four months...that's like $2000 per month...that's just plan crazy...I have no idea how I'm going to be able to pay that...I could go on a 4 month vacation somewhere and probably pay less....oh man....sigh

2003-04-10T11:04:00.000-04:00

Just finished a 3 hour nap...and now...I can actually open my eyes...sigh...I don't know what to do today...this place sucks...

2003-04-10T09:27:00.000-04:00

it's not even 9:30 right now...and I already know today's going to be one of the worse days I've ever had...I woke up...sat around for a bit...checked my icq messages...showered...then just moped around...because I felt this rush of emotions...that and I couldn't even open my eyes for more than a few seconds at a time...I just don't know what I've been having such a hard time lately...nothing much has changed...it's been the same thing everyday for like months now...but recently...I've been overwhelmed with emotions....just don't know how to deal with it...and on the way to work today...I was so tired...it was the hardest drive I ever took...you wouldn't believe it...whenever I blinked...I would black out for a split second...literally...I drove on the left lane of the highway and I kept on going onto the shoulder without knowing...because I kept on falling asleep...there was this one time...when I was driving in the middle lanes...and then next thing I knew...I fell asleep and my hands slipped off the wheel...then when I got off the ramp...I kept on falling asleep at the lights...and I feel asleep once on this side road...2 lanes both ways...I ended up switching lanes without realising...the wheel just turned...all this while not be abling able to completely open my eyes...and you know what's the worst part of this is...I didn't really care....I know I should...but I didn't...I'm just so confused right now...sigh...

2003-04-08T09:45:00.000-04:00

I am not in a good mood today...and when I am not in a good mood...everything annoys me...well..I hate this stupid office...everyone is so unprofessional...they talk so loud...and right now...it's is so annoying...some guy is cutting his nails...I'm assuming finger nails...because I don't think he is so unprofessional that he would cut his toe nails in his office...but really..that's one of my pet peeves...people cutting their nails wherever they want..esp those people that do it on the subway...so bad..errr...and it's so freakin cold here...why do they even bother making me come in if I have absolutely nothing to do here...I hate this job...and yes yes...I realise what a blessing it is to have a job...I don't need anyone to tell me that...so please don't...

2003-04-08T09:35:00.000-04:00

I'm at work now...and I am just so tired...I almost crashed a few times this morning...since I was falling asleep, phasing in and out of sleep while driving on the highway...and don't any of you dare tell me I should sleep earlier or whatever...because that's just dumb...it's like stating the obvious...sometimes it's not a question about when you go to sleep...you can lie down 24/7, but if you can't fall asleep...then it doesn't matter...you'll be tired regardless...so yeah....right now I am not in the mood to get lectured...and I don't want to hear anything about how I should stop feeling like this...or stop writing stuff like this...if only it was that easy...if all I had to do to feel good was to draw a few happy faces and say that I am happy...then I would sit here all day and do it...but that's not how things work....

I guess words just can't explain it...I'm sorry if I sound harse here...but I am not trying to be...I know you guys just care and stuff...but really...pretty much everything you can think of saying, I've already thought of and tried...sometimes it sounds like people are telling me I don't want to be happy...well...I do...okay...everyone does...I guess it's hard for most to understand...I am very sensitive and very emotional...and unless you are that type of person, you will never know...you may think you do...but in reality...you won't...

I just don't know what to do...I'm starting to go crazy...and trust me...I know how you guys feel...how you guys feel so bad that you can't do anything...but that's okay...I know you guys want to help...and I thank you for that..but it's just something I have to figure out...if I tell you what's bothering me...you will be like...oh that's so dumb...and you will realise why it's something I really need to deal with...me and God...no one else can help...just pray...that's all you can do really...and please...no more of that stuff about how I should sleep earlier or stuff about how I shouldn't be feeling bad...please...

man....can't even keep my eyes open...please pray for my friends too...if you knew them, you will already know who I am talking about...so they shall remain nameless here...we have very similar personalities...and like I said before...unless you are like us...you won't understand...so just pray...

2003-04-08T05:30:00.000-04:00

This sucks...you know...everything seems to be falling apart...I just don't know what to say or do anymore...everything was going so well during the christmas break...everyone seemed happy....everyone was close...and now..it's just so different...

I just don't know what to say anymore...I just wish things were like back then...when everyone can just smile....it seems like now...everyone is just frowning and so depressed...and it's not even the stress of exams...just a whole lot of emotional hurt and pain....just don't know what to say or do anymore...right now, I'm just sitting here...not really knowing how this will turn out...not knowing what to do...everyone's asleep already....well...at least no one is online anymore...so I'm just assuming...eeerrrrrrr....just so frustrating...

what happened to that gang from last term that was so close and shared in so many good times?...now it seems like we've all gone our seperate ways and have our seperate lives with our own pains and struggles...how things have changed...everyone just seems to be in so much pain...whether it's so much stress that you don't have time to talk and hang out....or just deep emotional pain....or in my case, just some stupidnesss....but regardless...it doesn't seem like any part of the gang is smiling anymore...I remember how not too long ago at the mall...one of us....said something about how this is what it's all about...something about friendship forever....that's what I really hope will happen...but at this moment...we all live our own seperate lives...feel our own seperate pains...deal with our own seperate problems....it's just so hard these days to find a smile within our group...a real smile that is a true reflection of what's in our hearts...and not just a fleeting thing that reflects a momentary happening...

I'm just looking at some pictures of the gang...but really...there's not too many of them...and there's none of us all together....at one event...there were a few of those...but yet...I don't know why we don't have any pictures...the closes thing I guess that comes to a group picture is one taken at a tim hortons...but even then, three of us were missing from that...then there's the group picture at blue mountain...but three of us were missing from that....how come no one bothered to take a picture at the pot luck thingy?...we were all there...at some point...just sharing in some food....watching hockey together....and a movie...while I was roller blading...those were good times...well...I valued it at least...everyone was smiling back then...and I believe that it was a genuine smile....unlike now...

Right now, the whole gang is seperated...split between two cities...and now that I think about it....there will be no more terms when we will be together again...last term was the last time...which is kindof sad...I just don't know what to say anymore...just can't stop thinking about those days...haha...seems like it was so long ago...but it wasn't...how things have changed in four short months...all these memories of the times we had are coming back...kindof like in those cheesy tv shows....where you have a flashback of all the fun times together...all the trials we went through together...all these images going round while cheesy music is playing in the background...back then...no matter what hour of the day it was....there was always some member of the gang you can bump into...someone was always around...and we all shared in the fun...so different now...

for all those of you reading this...you guys know what I mean when I refer to the gang....and I'm sure you guys know what I am talking about...maybe I just hoped for too much....or I am being too sentimental...whatever it is....but that was the best term of my life...and I will never forget it....even if it was just that one term...the memories will be there forever...I just hope that whatever pains or troubles you are going through right now...that it will all be resolved somehow...and we can all get back to smiling....whether that means smiling together again as the gang...or seperately in our own seperate lives...I just wish the best for you guys...and remember that I will keep each and every one of you in my prayers...

2003-04-07T03:38:00.000-04:00

I can't really sleep right now, it's quite late, and I have to get up soon, but I guess maybe I am still stuck on the old time, or maybe there is just too much on my mind.

Lately, I've been very gloomy, but the truth is, I haven't been happy for the past few months now, and I am starting to get mad at myself for this....I really shouldn't feel like this...I have no right to feel like this...For those of you who I've talked to about what I am going through, you will know what I mean...Why am I feeling like this? Part of me thinks it's selfishness...I just want too much...I am so blessed as it is...God has blessed me with so much...I am so grateful to Him, although it may not seem like it...but still, I am still seeking more...Is it showing a lack of trust in God and in His plan by feeling this way? That's how I feel sometimes...To all those of you who are reading this, all those of you who are my friends, you will notice that I don't really act like this in person....and that's because you guys have just been so great to me in my life....you guys mean so much to me....that is why I feel so blessed...I have so many people around me to just support me and help me out...and I truly thank God for that...when I am around you guys, it just seems so much better..my troubles don't seem to be as big....and for those of you who are immature...Brian....this is not so expression of gayness....so don't even think that....yes..I know how you think...so don't even deny it...=P

But really...I just feel so bad right now...partially because of the dilema I am facing, but also because I am so focused on it....I mean...it seems so selfsih to feel this way about something so minor when there is so much hurt and pain in this world right now....specifically the SARS thing and the war in Iraq thing....honestly though...I feel so distant from it....it doesn't seem to be sunk into my mind how big of a deal those two things are...and I feel that sometimes, I lack compassion for it because of the fact that I am so distant from it....I mean, I don't want anyone to die or get hurt or whatever...but it just doesn't seem to sink in that that is what is happening...you know what I mean?...I feel so bad about it....because...I am not really treating it as serious as I should be....I still joke around about it...and it's just so bad....people are getting hurt and dying and stuff and losing loved ones, and I am here joking about it and worrying about my own selfish needs and wants...this whole thing sucks....I know I am not the only one to think this way....I do pray for these things...but honestly, I don't feel like I am truly compassionate about the whole issue...I know I should be..and I want to be...but how do I get myself to change?...I want to help out in some way...but I just feel so distant from it...as if my world is a totally different world than this one with the whole disease and war thing....am I the only one who feels this way about war and SARS?...I don't do this, but do some of you guys pray for that SARS thing because you are afraid of it?...I am not afraid of it...and I do not pray for safety from it....I pray that it just goes away because of all those who are infected...but how much compassion do I really have for those people?...they are faceless people to me...because all I do know about them is all those little icq messages that I get about how that person was a doctor here and how this person was a patient there...blah blah blah...but you know what I mean...so confusing...I just don't want to focus on my little selfish problem anymore and focus on something more serious, something larger than me....something like the war or SARS....but I don't know why I can't....sigh....

2003-04-05T11:48:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days...where you just feel so pointless...like you just want to disappear into nothingness...I woke up today...a little before 7...don't know why...walked around for a bit...felt nothing...had nothing to do...so just went back to sleep...just lying there...nothing much...just got up around 11:30...can't really sleep anymore...just feeling a flood of emotions...don't know why...don't even know where it all came from...just plain not in the mood to do anything...you know what I mean??...I don't even know what I am talking about...just one of those days...were you wake up feeling gloomy...very gloomy...I don't know...sometimes I wish I wasn't such an emotional guy...at least then I can be like a lot of guys and just go to the bar...drink a few beers...grunt a few times...and go on my merry little way....but that's not who I am...sigh....

2003-04-04T10:41:00.000-05:00

Just sitting here...it's 10:30...I've already done all the work assigned for me for the day...as well as look through some humourous ecards and sent out a few...as well as talked on my cell phone for a bit...now...trying to start up my work report...but not really...so I decided might as well blog...

Yesterday's blogs seemed to have raised some concern in a few of you....and I appreciate that you guys care...but I really think I made it sound worse than it is...ture, I'm not always happy...but I can't say that I am always sad....but I was at the time I posted yesterday...but regardless...I really feel that happiness isn't everything...happiness occurs when your plans match up with those of God's plans and they don't always match up...it's not a bad thing to make plans...and it's also not a bad thing when those plans don't match up with God's....now...it's how you react when the two don't match that determine whether it is a good thing or a bad thing...but really...I have been thinking a lot...and I have been sad a lot recently...but it's a good kindof thinking and sadness...if you know what I mean...it's not the kind where you just sit in self pity and self hatred...it's the kind where you come out with a better view of the world around you and with a strong faith...it's what happens sometimes...life is not about happiness and somethings these things has to happen...I don't think the stuff I planned was in itself sinful in anyway...things just didn't turn out that way...and I have faith that God planned things out the way it did for a reason...I can't say I am happy about the way things turned out...but I do know it's for the best...

on the lighter side of things....a lot of you enjoyed my little blurb about driving and stuff...well...here's another thing that I noticed today while driving to work...today's drive was so very nice...fewer cars than usual...I guess a lot of people decided to skip...as well as people were driving a lot better...no idiots out there...I guess because everyone is more careful and patient...but anyways...that's not what I wanted to talk about...as I was leaving my street....after spending the longest time scrapping off all the snow and ice from my car....I came to this intersection....now...being the experienced driver that I am....I stopped early....since I knew that the snow beneath me had turned into ice...I mean...I was standing on it and I didn't even sink down into it like you normally do in snow...but anyways...yeah...from my 1st year and HS physics, I've learned that the coefficient of friction on ice is very very small...meaning...the force of friction...the force which causes my car to stop when I press the brake...is very small...ie...takes a lot more distance to stop...well...there was this lady crossing the intersection...she didn't even look before she started crossing...it wasn't until she was halfway across that she looked at me...good thing I stopped early...or she would have been turned into a pancake by now...but I'm just saying...pedestrians should look both ways and wait and see if a car can stop safely...I mean...whenever you cross a street, you are placing your trust in a complete stranger...that the person would stop and not hit you....now in weather like this where cars are driving on pure ice...you are also trusting that the other person is experienced and competent enough to know the laws of physics....but really...I think there is no basis for this assumption...not everyone took physics...and not everyone has lots of experience....so for all you pedestrians out there...I'm just trying to look out for you...make sure the car is stopped before you start walking in front of it...don't assume that the stranger behind the wheel is a skilled driver...it cannot be assumed...esp in these conditions...

anyways...that's enough ranting for me for now...back to icqing...haha

2003-04-03T10:07:00.000-05:00

Haven't really blogged in a while...nothing much to say...

I'm just sitting here at work right now...not really feeling like doing anything...just staring at the screen..for the longest time now, I haven't really been feeling happy...not really sad to the point of depression...but not really happy...I can't say that I don't know why I am feeling this...but at the same time I don't really know why I feel like this...right now, right here, I just want to cry...but I'm at work...and I can't do that...that would not be professional...it's so hard though trying to keep it in...I just feel like leting it all go...just feel so lost...and really...I don't know what to do...maybe there is nothing that I have to do...because life is not about the pursuit of happiness...it's just so hard...I've been feeling gloomy now for the past few days...maybe even the past few weeks...don't ask me why...some of you know...some of you think you know...but regardless...I don't even know for sure...just know that I'm not happy...but that's okay...it's not that important...I've had short moments of happiness...but those are always fleeting...just caught up in the moment...they never last more than an hour or two...

the only thing I can do is remain patient...something I've been doing all my life...just remain patient...keep having faith...and remembering that happiness isn't everything...lately I've been thinking a lot about pain...and reading a lot about it...but I am still so confused...and I think I will remain confused till the end...life seems to be full of confusion...so many things going wrong around us in this world...there's really nothing to be happy about anymore...but that's okay...happiness is not important...

I read yesterday that pain is associated with evil...so does that mean that I'm doing something wrong?...that I'm being evil??....what am I doing that's so evil?...am I being selfish?...I have no idea...I just know the pain is there and it's strong...but I'm starting to get used to it...I don't let it destroy me...I still go on...with what needs to be done...it just sucks...oh man...I just want to scream or something...I hate this...

2003-03-28T02:55:00.000-05:00

Today has been somewhat of a trying day emotionally...physically it was fine...for the most part...but emotionally...I don't really want to go into details..but it's just something that I have to spend time reflecting on....there are just so many questions...so much confusion....but I guess that's expected...without questions...without confusion...there is no need for faith...

And we are supposed to have complete faith in God...and His plan....I do not doubt that....but as I posted a few days ago...it is hard sometimes....to know what that plan is...and I guess really...you can never know without any doubt....because that is the whole point of faith...there is always some bit of doubt...unanswered questions....you just go with what you believe in and have faith in and hope that it is the right choice...the only thing you can do is cut down that doubt...by just really asking God for guidence and really knowing His Word....but in the end...it's still a judgement call....for God gave us free will....and He loves us so much that He will not take away that free will by making our decisions easy...

and I just thank God everyday for those people that He has placed in my life...that has really influenced me in a positive way...helped me grow so much closer....I have grow so much this term...or at least that's what I think...and I have a few of you guys to thank for it...you guys know who you are....you've taught me to really trust in God...to really go beyond my comfort level....you've taken the time to really listen....even if it means taking time out of your busy life...I just can't express how much of a blessing you guys have been in my life....and whatever happens in the future...which I can't predict...I just hope that you guys will continue to be in my life....just continuing to keep me strong in my faith.... because of you guys, I have really learned to care for others...not just in words...but deep down in my heart...something that I haven't really done...you guys know what you have done...so I'm just going to leave it at that...

I want to end off now with something witty or something deep...but really...I can't...so I'll just leave off with this...value your friendships...true friends will help you grow....and help you realize the error of your ways....never take your friendships for granted...for if you do, you will probably lose them....friendship is hard work...but well worth it....things may change...things will change...but you can't be afraid of change...change is good...true friendship will last through anything....for trials and pain are used to test your faith....it is also used to test true friendship...and those that last are those that really count...

2003-03-27T02:44:00.000-05:00

To start off...I'm feeling a lot better today....but I still didn't go to work...I wasn't 100% and I felt that it wasn't worth it anyways...but I'll go tomorrow...can't be too lazy now...thanks to all those of you who worried...

I've noticed that a few of you guys...have not been where you want to be in terms of your spiritual life...some of you have told me...others have not...but I'm sure more than a few of you are struggling...especially as finals are approaching and things are starting to get hectic...I know that sometimes...it's hard to want to devote time to growth...and to want to do it...but really...15 minutes or so is not much out of your hectic day....like...everyone should take 15 min breaks every so often anyways from studying and stuff right...but there's also the point of wanting to do it...now...that isn't as easy...but here's something I read..."To change your life, you must change the way you think. Behind everything you do is a thought."...so basically...you must want to do it...otherwise it really doesn't do much...I've been through this personally...I know how it feels...there's really no easy way out of it...I got out of it by going through a period of suffering...which really helped me see where I was going wrong...but you can't really go out and hurt yourself now can you...but I don't know...maybe for those of you who are going through this...maybe you can just reflect on your life and see what He's done...or look around you and see what He's blessed you with...whatever helps...because no one can tell you what to do...all anyone can do for you is pray for you that the Holy Spirit will work inside of your heart..that you will once again strive to know Him....

Here's a final note about something else I read about...the difference between kindness and love...kindness is something you show to people that you do not care much about....love is reserved for those that you truly care about....kindness, as defined by CS Lewis, "cares not whether its object is good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering"....love, on the other hand, is much more....for when we love someone, "we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes".....love is willing to sacrifice for the greater good of its object....love at times is painful...for the greatest act of love you can show someone is to just let them go....

2003-03-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

Didn't go to work today....wasn't really feeling well...had a fever, dizziness, headache...nothing major...just didn't feel good and felt kindof lazy too...and work is pointless anyways....so I didn't go....a lot of people were freaking out....I guess with all that SARS news...and I know you guys just care...but don't worry...I think it's just my own fault for not dressing warm enough....I haven't developed a cough or anything...so it's probably not that...it's weird though...the last time I can remember getting sick...like sick enough to not be able to get out of bed...was back in grade school...so it was kindof scary...especially last night...it was really bad...when I got home...I almost fell down the stairs...and I was freezing but at the same time, I was burning up...so...very weird...but today...was pretty good...spent the day sleeping and reading...the reading was good...started reading Problem of Pain by CS Lewis...I have to admit...it is hard to follow...very scholarly if you know what I mean...but it is quite good...

he tries to explain why God lets bad things happens...and it makes so much sense...the way he explains it...it's kindof an in your face kindof explaination but it does make sense....however, it does raise a lot more questions and creates more confusion about things...I still believe in that explaination of pain that I blogged about earlier...but that one applies to mental pain...kindof....Lewis's explaination is more general and applies to physical as well as mental pain....but I recommend it...I'm just warning you now though...it may take a couple of readings before you fully understand it...nevertheless...it's a good book...

I also did a lot of thinking...which I do a lot of...especially when I am alone...which is something that happens to me a lot as well....so many things that I do are so pointless...I do it because it's just expected of me and it's something that this world requires me to do....for example...right now...my job...I know it's a blessing and all...but it just seems so pointless...I mean...I have nothing to do there...even if I did...would it matter in the long run?...the only reason I got that job is to make money and to get credit...which is another thing....school...seems kindof pointless in the long run too...I just go because I am expected to...so I can get a good job and make more money...which is what this world runs on...I know this sounds crazy to some people...and some of you might not believe me...but I really don't care that much about money...the only reason I go after it is because it is expected of me and this world evolves around it...I mean...I really don't care how much I make when I graduate...as long as I make enough to support myself and maybe a family...then I'll be content...I can't say that it wouldn't make a difference if I made a lot or very little...but I could care less...like...there are stuff truly more important to me than that...so right now...it just seems like my life is so pointless...

Like, I do pursue stuff in my life which are important...but it seems like those things are not working out...if you know what I mean...I just try and try....but nothing comes out of it...like these past few months...I've been doing a lot of reading...and I've come to realize a few things...God made us each different....and He made us that way so that we can serve Him in different ways...but then...how was I meant to serve Him?....like...for someone who has musical talent, that question is obvious...or for someone who has a very outgoing and welcoming attitude...that's also obvious...but God made me like this...I am very quiet, very reserved, and always pondering....now how can all that be put to good use?...the only thing that comes to mind is general labour work...like helping set up for things and helping clean up...but isn't there something more?...like...right now, I don't mind sacrificing and giving up my time...that's something I have always been willing to do for others...but what can I give up my time for...I mean...to serve in what area?...I just don't know...it's not like I'm not trying...I do what I can...and in whatever area I see...but I just feel like I can do more...like...sometimes people tell me to just do it...and don't think about it...but you know what I mean...for example...you can't just get anyone to be a leader...like...sure...they are serving...but does it help or does it hinder the whole purpose of serving?....a leader should be good at it otherwise it'll cause more harm than good...

there's just so much confusion right now...don't know what the point of everything is...I know there is a purpose for my life...and I know what that purpose is...I just don't know how to go about it...right now everything just seems pointless...I know I'm not the only one who feels like this...there's also so much confusion about other stuff in my life...like my future...my relationships with people...my family...it seems like there's only one thing that's certain...and that's my faith...

2003-03-24T11:53:00.000-05:00

How should I begin?...I'm at work right now...not doing much...haven't really been doing much all morning...I'm feeling so tired...didn't get much sleep yesterday...didn't go to sleep till 4 and even then, didn't really sleep well...I was planning on going to the gym now, but I really don't feel like it...maybe I will go to Chapters and do some reading instead...

but this weekend...nothing especially exciting happened...spent some time on the phone...but that was about it...watched a few movies...but nothing special...it has however been a very confusing weekend...everything just seems so confusing...so lost...I guess that is one of the reasons why I couldn't sleep....it's not that things aren't going well in my life....and it's not that things are going well either...if you know what I mean...I'm not sad, but at the same time I am not happy...just running around doing my thing with no particular feeling...just feeling void of anything...well...not really...more like feeling kind of lost...there are so many people around me...both close to me and not so close to me going through all these problems...and I just don't know what to do....I mean...I wish there was something I could do...but sometimes you really can't do anything...I do pray for them...but I guess I just have to be patient and wait for God's will...it just isn't an easy thing to sit back and do nothing while those around you are going through things...I'm sure some of you understand what I mean...

which brings up another point...where's the line between being patient and waiting for God's will....and just not doing your part?....like...I have faith in God's will...but I also know that we can't just sit around and say everything will be okay...we also have to do our part...but like...how do you know if you are supposed to be doing anything....or if you are jsut supposed to be patient and let God's will take it's place?...I don't know if you guys know what I mean...like...I've been told that I should wait and be patient...for God's plan to take place...but what if I was meant to do something...but I'm not doing it because I'm using this as an excuse?...how do you know when you should wait or when you need to do your part?...

everything is just so confusing now...I'm feeling so lost...just with the problems that are going on around me...either directly involving me or indirectly involving me...or even things that don't involve me at all...it's just so hard to watch and not knowing if there's anything you can do to help....I've tried...I've really tried to help...just don't know what I could do or if I am doing enough...but oh well...what can I do...but ask for guidence and just hope that I will be able to listen...

2003-03-21T09:20:00.000-05:00

Driving to work today was...let's say interesting...

First of all...I drive westbound along the gardiner and QEW during the mornings...well..today...on the eastbound side, right around the ex, there was a taxi stopped by a cop...probably speeding....well...like I said before...that was so stupid...because...it's a three lane highway....which already has high volume...but needless to say...after that, the cars were pretty much stopped....all the way until near the 427...at which point it becomes a 5 lane highway...so basically....instead of having 5 lanes with of cars in 3 lanes, you have the same amount of cars trying to squeeze through 2 lanes....like...why won't they use common sense?...the province gave UT a few million dollars to try to figure out a way to stop the traffic problem...well...accidents you can't prevent...but stupid things like this will make a big difference...stop giving people tickets on a crowded highway...and if you must...why not tell them to get off the highway before you give it to them?...a highway is not a good place to be stopping to give someone a ticket...especially one with no shoulder...because basically, they cut down the three lanes of a downtown Toronto expressway to a two lane...maybe 1.5 lane highway....since the cop usually sticks his butt out halfway into the next lane anyways...too many donuts I guess....

another experience I had today was with this punk kid...driving in some old run down VW....well...he though I was going too slow...on the QEW....I was in the passing lane...doing some passing...going pretty fast mind you...like 130km/h or something.....well...this punk kid just wanted to tail me...getting so impatient...trying to intimedate me to change lanes...haha...as if...like...comeon...I was passing everyone...and the guy in front of me wasn't even going as fast as me...so I just watched the kid in the mirror...kindof funny too....everytime he tried to pass...I would speed up...just so that he couldn't pass me...haha....he though he could actually beat me...there's no way with my mom's car...so much more power than his little beat up car....but eventually, the other lanes opened up...and I couldn't go any faster because of the car in front of me...but he pretty much passed me and then slammed on the breaks...haha...because that was the point when volume picked up....but anyways...he did one of those drive by staring...I guess to see if I was some old lady or something...well...an old lady doesn't go 130....haha...so I just looked backed at him and gave him a little smile wishing him a good day...then I zoomed up behind him and showed him what is was like to be tailed...but I didn't do this for long...because that's dangerous...and I don't tail...haha...but yeah...I bet most of you gals out there will be like...why did you do that...but I bet most of you guys out there will understand....you gals have to realize something about guys if you haven't already...God gave us this little gene...I don't know what it is...but it makes us competitive....esp when we are behind the wheel...and against other guys...that's just how we are....haha...but anyways...I bet that punk kid understood...maybe not at the time...but I bet he's done it himself...that's why I just smiled at him...for a job well done...haha

anyways...back to...um...work I guess...haha

2003-03-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are curious as to who Kabboo is...and no...he's not that little asian boy...think again...

2003-03-20T02:08:00.000-05:00

Just want to leave a note to say Happy Birthday to Kabboo....he's turning 14 today.....wow...it's been so long...

2003-03-19T21:29:00.000-05:00

What is a rose?
A rose is but a flower...extremely delicate, simple in design, yet it's beauty is beyond description...

What is a swan?
A swan is but a bird...so graceful as it takes flight...white as snow, radiating of pureness...

What is a lion?
A lion is but a cat...courageous and strong....willing to take on all challenges...never giving up...

What is Kabboo?
Kabboo is but a bear...soft and cuddly, but with some wear and tear....a sign of it's age and wisdom...misunderstood by many, but loved dearly by a few

Combine all these and you have something special...a small example of God's amazing creations...delicate, simple, beautiful, graceful, pure, courageous, strong, soft, cuddly, wise, and loved...each of these is simple in itself, but added together you get something so complex and special...words cannot do it justice...

That is all for now...if you don't know what I am talking about...you don't need to know...just take it with confusion and praise God for all these amazing things He has given to us...and no...I am not drunk right now...for those that know what I am talking about....just trust in me on this one....believe what I have told you....

2003-03-19T15:39:00.000-05:00

Just thought of another one of my many pet peeves about driving...and I thought that I should share with you guys....in case any of you do this...hmph....because this really really annoys me...people don't seem to understand what an onramp is...let me give you guys a general definition of what it is....in most cases...an onramp is a fairly long stretch of straight road...which ends by meeting up with the highway....now the purpose of this onramp idea is not to go on it and drive at like 10km/h so that you can meet up with the highway and merge into the lanes at 10km/h.....comeon people....learn to drive...an onramp is used for the sole purpose of accelerating to the speed of traffic on the highway...that generally means 100km/h...it is really dangerous if you are any slower...esp 10km/h...I get so pissed off when I am stuck behind someone like this...I end up pretty much touching their bumper...but yet...they don't get the point...one of these days....I will end up just pushing a car to 100km/h...since they don't learn...people have failed a G test because they didn't accelerate fast enough...so please...those of you who do this....please learn....step on the gas...it won't kill you....but anger me will just make me aggressive and dangerous...which is always a bad thing...

That's enough of that for now...I'm so angry just thinking about it..

2003-03-19T11:40:00.000-05:00

I was driving to work...and I got to thinking about what I posted yesterday...and now I just want to share with you guys what I came up with...it's about pain and suffering and the trials that we go through....God lets us suffer...there is no doubt about that...but the question remains...why...well...in addition to what I wrote yesterday...I also believe that during times of pain and suffering...we feel hurt because what is going on is not what we planned...this aren't going the way we planned...which proves that...if you believe that God has everything planned out...that means that God lets us suffer to remind us that we should follow His agenda and not our own...because if we did...then we wouldn't be disappointed...like...if you are truly honest with yourself...a lot of your plans are based on your own personal selfish nature...well...that's true for me at least...I'm not going to say anything about you guys...that's something you guys will have to decide...but yeah...since we are selfish in nature...then our desires and plans will be too...but God's plans are not based on selfishness...it's based on what's best for us...it's okay to feel sad and upset and stuff...because that's who we are...it's just that during these times...just have faith in God...and trust in Him...things will work out...if you are feeling betrayed or angry or whatever towards God...it's okay...because it's in our nature...but you should be honest with God...and let Him know...because you cannot lie to Him...you can try...but it won't work...so you might as well let Him know how you feel and share with Him....free yourself from your own personal wants and needs and give it all up to God...

these are just some of the things I have come to realize during my experiences and during my times of devotions...so some of the ideas are not my own but of others...but I believe everything I say....just hope this helps those of you guys struggling right now...I know how hard it is...and nothing I say will change that...just don't lose hope and faith...because if you do...you will be vulnerable to sin and temptation....

2003-03-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Hey all...I haven't blogger recently...partly because I haven't had much to vent about or to share...well...and because I've been feeling lazy recently...but anyways...

nothing much has changed since the last time I blogged...so...nothing much to say...I've spent more time talking to people and listening to people...and in that...I've learned a lot about those around me....with troubles in school, troubles with relationships, troubles with this world....the topic of pain and suffering has come up a lot....debates as to why God lets us suffer so much at times...different people believe different things...and each of us are entitled to our own opinions....my view is that God lets us suffer and feel pain for a purpose....most of the time, the purpose isn't revealed to us...but I believe that He lets us feel pain because it gives us a reminder of what He has done for us and to let us grow closer to Him....if everything is fine all the time and we don't face any trials....it would be easy to forget about God and feel that He had nothing to do with our success...sometimes I feel that He uses pain to remind us of something that we forgot....I'm not saying that God punishes us with pain and suffering...when we are not totally focused on Him...I'm just saying that sometimes, we need to feel pain...and when we are going through a crisis, we should use that time to grow closer to Him....for during times of trials, our faith is tested....and after all is said and done...if we persevere, we will come out stronger in our faith than before...don't get me wrong...during times of happiness and success....we shouldn't think that our faith will deteriorate or anything....and don't feel bad when you are happy and content with the things around you...there is nothing wrong with that...just remember that everything was planned by God for a purpose....esp now...during a time of war....or prelude to a war....we should believe that God let this war happen for a reason...and yes...lots of people will suffer and will die....and there's nothing wrong with feeling bad for them...but there is a reason...for everything....in James 1:2, it says "consider it pure joy....whenever you face trials of many kinds"....now there was a pretty interesting sermon about this...that suggested that the term joy isn't the same as happiness and contentment...something that I totally agree with...joy is more of an internal peace or happiness....don't know exactly how to word it...but basically...trials are a good thing and it's okay to feel stressed or grieve or whatever else during that time...but just remember...it's all for a reason..

this brings up another point....there is this common misconception... that religion is about feeling God...and yes...it is good to feel Him...but that doesn't always happen...it's not about whether or not you feel Him...it's about Him...like...some people think a worship is bad if you don't feel God...but worship is worship...it's about God...and praising Him...not about whether or not you feel Him...I once thought that way...so it may seem kind of hypocritical of me for saying all these things...but I am not trying to judge any of you...that is not for me to do...and you guys can do whatever you think is right...and I will respect that...I'm just letting you guys know what I think of everything...and how I interpret everything...and if any of you think I am wrong in anyway...don't hesistate to tell me...I wouldn't mind discussing it...maybe I'm wrong...or maybe you are...but regardless...that's why we're here...to help each other out with faults that we don't necessarily see in ourselves...

now something else that's on my mind...I've been driving a lot these days...to get to work and stuff...and I've noticed that I can get quite...let's say...emotional while driving...I have so many pet peeves about others....and I know...I have my own faults...I am a bit agressive at times and stuff...but still...like today...man...it annoyed me so much...it was on my mind all day long....when I drive...and I see a pedestrian...I try to slow down so that I don't splash them...but then today...there were huge puddles in some areas...esp on my street...which is an old run down street in downtown toronto....well...there were huge puddles everywhere...with the snow melting and stuff...and the fact that the street is littered with pot holes and cracks...for somereason...this lady decided...so...lets just walk on the road where the puddles are instead of the nicely drained sidewalk...so I slowed down as I drove by....but you know how it is...with the puddles...and the uneven roads...there's bound to be a splash or two...and yeah...as I drove by...I slowed down...but there was a little splash and got her pants went...just the bottom of it...around the ankles...nothing major...like a few droplets...bound to happen...well this lady decided that it was my fault and got all mad at me...she couldn't really do anything to me...because I was in the car...but I knew she blamed me for it...and you know how I am...I don't like people being mad at me...esp if I'm not at fault...why would you walk in the middle of the road right beside huge puddles anyways?...it wasn't even a puddle...it was more like a few ponds...but anyways...as you can see...it's been bothering me all day...and then there was this other pedestrian...who though...if she ran to catch the light...and stepped on the road before the light turned green...then she can take her time...so yeah...she ran...stepped on the road and started crossing right when the light turned red...and then she decided to slow down and take a leisurely...very leisurely...stroll across the road while we had to wait...and it was our green light mind you....while she took her time...waited almost the whole light for her to cross...and then there's other cars...some people are just so retarded when it comes to driving...aside from slow drivers...which really get to me....there are those who just don't know how to drive...like...there's this yielding thingy...and other cars are supposed to give you right of way...then there was this lady in front of me...thought she would be nice and let the people waiting go...but we have right of way...the other people are required by law to yield...and it made sense...because we were on the highway...the other people weren't...well....lets just put it this way...I had to slam on the breaks and got so mad...I have many more stories...but I've already let them go...so...yeah...in my opinion...it's not speeders or agressive drivers who cause accidents...it's those stupid drivers who don't know how to drive or who just plain just too slowly that causes accidents...you know that little commericial about how being nice to someone is contagious...well...those stupid drivers cause us normal drivers to go crazy and then make us so aggressive and stuff...that's why we have accidents...and one more thing that just came to mind...what's the point of giving someone a speeding ticket (this wasn't me)...in the middle of the gardiner...where there's high volume of traffic and only two lanes?....by doing that....you reduce the number of lanes by 50% and cause such a big jam...I saw this happen the other day on the opposing side of the highway...and I actually noticed a progression...as I went further down the highway...I saw more and more cars being backed up just because of that one little cop...and when I got to the QEW...it was to the point where they weren't moving...so next time you see a traffic jam...it's probably because of something stupid...

that's all for today...quite a lot actually...but oh well...

2003-03-14T02:03:00.000-05:00

Hey all...for those of you who are reading this...well..some of you have expressed concern for me...well...I appreciate that you guys care so much and all...but really...there's nothing wrong...I know that some of the stuff I have written may seem bad...but they sound worse than they are...I just use this to vent stuff and to share my life with you guys....but a lot of times, it's very one sided...and I guess I could make things seem very bad...

like yesterday, I vented about my mom....well....everything I wrote was true and all...but really....I know she cares for all of us.....and she nags just because she cares.....it's just that she's very "chinese"...if you know what I mean....she's not good at expressing her emotions and stuff....and at times it's hard...but nothing to worry about....and same thing with my sister...I vent a lot about her to some of you guys...not on here...but in person and stuff...but she's really not bad...we get along quite well....or I think so at least....it's just that we get on each other nerves sometimes...that's all....

so really...thanks for worry....but there is no need to worry....the stuff I write here is just to share my experiences with you guys and maybe you guys can learn from it and apply it to your own lives...it's not meant for you guys to think that my life is horrible or anything....I think my life is like most of yours...filled with ups and downs...it's just able being able to handle it and trust that God has a plan for everything.....like...I've noticed that since I've started this...I've been more patient and more caring towards others...which is a good thing...I used to just hold everything in which isn't that great...and I took it out on people or just closed myself off from those closes to me...but now...since I've started this...a lot of you guys have gotten to know me better and have grown a lot closer....there is nothing bad going on right now in my life...it's always been like this...but you know...I just haven't shared it...so it doesn't seem like it...there's nothing wrong...trust me....in this time, I've grown closer to God and I've been able to share more with people about it and help keep others accountable as well....and that's what is important right...

I know a lot of you guys are going through the same kind of stuff that I struggle with everyday and my hope is that you guys see what I am going through and feel better that you guys are not alone....and maybe get something from this...like I said before...a daily testimony kind of thing...kind of to keep me accountable as well...so don't you guys worry...if you guys are going through the same kind of stuff or something else...I'm here to listen...if you need someone to talk to or something to vent about..really...

here's a final note....
"What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away." - 1 Corinthians 7:29-31

2003-03-12T22:25:00.000-05:00

Well...where to start...haven't really had much to say recently...I've been at a lost for words...but yeah...anyways...

Today was a normal day...kindof had some work to do...not really...nothing significant...but I was given very little time to do it...so I had to skip lunch...but the company gave me free pizza for it...then they started talking about how in their prime, they could eat like 5 or 6 slices...and I was thinking...that's nothing...then we got into a little discussion about that steak I ate...and they said how the most steak they've ever eaten was only 20 oz...well..yeah...but that doesn't really matter...

One thing that really brought me down today....occured when I got home...the second I stepped into the door, my mom told me to eat dinner...and I was like....I'm not hungry...I'll eat later...because it wasn't even 5 yet...close...but not yet...but anyways...we normally eat after 8...so obviously....but she got all mad and stuff...and tried to guilt trip me and stuff...saying stuff like how she cooked for me and how the stuff would get all soggy and stuff...but what was I supposed to do?....she always does things like that...it really upsets me a lot....like the other day, I told her not to cook for me, because I was going out to eat...but she cooked for me anyways and then tried to make me feel guilty when I told her I wasn't going to eat....what am I supposed to do?...like...it really makes my time here at home a miserable one...like...I once came home at 1...and the next day, my mom was yelling at me for coming home at 4...which I didn't....and she just wouldn't listen...and like...she's kindof computer illiterate....so she gets me to help her with a lot of computer stuff....but then sometimes things just don't work the way she thinks they do...and she just keeps on yelling at me about it...she won't believe...which makes no sense at all...because I usually know what I'm talking about...I'm not trying to be cocky or anything...but you know what I mean...she just doesn't believe me at times...she doesn't listen...I'm sure a lot of you go through this...you try to tell your parents something and they just won't listen...and today...I was on my phone with my friend....talking about stuff that he was going through and trying to keep each other accountable...well...my mom kept on picking up the phone and once even yelled out...get off the phone...people are trying to get through...now you might be thinking....it's not my phone...and maybe she needs to use the phone...well...yeah...if that was the case...then yeah...but here's the thing...we have two lines...both of which she can access from her cordless....which I got for her...since I knew this would happen...so she could so easily make outgoing calls without much effort...and we have call waiting as well...which means that there was no reason for her to be yelling into the phone like that...it just upsets me so much...she always does this...like...no matter which line I'm using, she tells me to get off of it and use the other one...but one of the lines, she doesn't even use...it's my brothers line...I feel like I don't have a right to use the phone...that's why a lot of times, I just use my cell phone...but it gets uncomfortable and I live in the basement so a lot of times, the reception isn't the best...and whenever I'm on the phone...no matter who it is...she always comes in and talks to me and gets mad at me when I don't reply...because she usually talks to me about nothing anyways...and I'm on the phone anyways...and then whenever I am on the phone...she always tells me to stop macking girls...which is so stupid...because I don't do that in the first place and second, I'm not always talking to girls...that's why I never invite my female friends over...and rarely invite my male friends over either...because if I did invite my female friends over...she would automatically think that I have a new girlfriend...no matter what I say....she just doesn't listen...which brings up another upsetting point...when I first broke up with my ex....I didn't tell her...and there was good reason for it...because when she did find out...her initial reaction was laughter....I was already hurt enough from it...and that really really hurt....she didn't just do it once...she did it again the next time it came up too...and then she had the nerve to ask me if I was gay just because I haven't found anyone else yet...and this was like two weeks after I broke up....like...what kind of a mother does that????....I know I'm supposed to honor my parents and listen to them and stuff...and I try....oh...I try so hard....but I just don't know what to do sometimes...like...she always comes wakes me up like at 2 in the morning or something if I'm sleeping and just tells me things...but I'm so groggy that I dont' really hear what she says...she does this early in the morning too...and then yells at me later when I tell her I didn't hear her...but then if I am up at like 2 in the morning, she always nags at me for not being asleep....I just don't get it...does she nag just for the sake of nagging?...which also brings up that experience I mentioned earlier about her nagging my dad about pointless stuff a few days after he found out his dad had passed away...it just pains me so much when I see my mom nag at my dad like that...my dad is kindof like me...he just takes it...because there's no point to fight back, that'll just make things worse...and I just feel so sorry for him...we're not close or anything...me and my dad...but I still feel for him...like...really...I know God gave me these parts for a reason...it wasn't an accident...but what are their purpose...like what is my purpose....what am I supposed to do with these parents?...it's so hard....I just don't know...I know a lot of you struggle with your parents...some worse than me...some not as bad...but...yeah...I know there is a reason why they are my parents...I just don't know what it is...if any of you can come up with any ideas...please let me know...this is really bugging me...

Today, I talked to my friend for a bit about stuff....like I mentioned earlier...just keeping each other accountable and seeing what's going on in each other's life...and I found out he's struggling with something that I went through not too long ago...like few months ago...well yeah...and then yesterday, I was talking about something similar...not exactly...but similar with another friend...something else that I've also gone through...and some stuff that I am going through...and it's all just so hard and confusing...I'm not going to say specifically what it is...but it's just so hard...one of the hardest things in life to handle I guess....I've read two books on it...and it didn't really help...well...I wouldn't say that...it helped a lot...but it still there...the problem is still there...a lot of it has to do with faith I guess...faith in God...that God will make it all right...but how do you prove to God and prove to yourself that you are trusting in God...how are you supposed to feel...what are you supposed to be thinking about?...like...if you think one way, it may be that you're not trusting in God...but if you think another way, it also might seem like you're not trusting God either...like...my conversation yesterday was for a few hours...but yet...we are both still as confused as before...the bible doesn't specifically mention anything...just general advice that applies to everything...like...have faith in Him and trust in Him....stuff like that...but I already know that...what we are stuggling with is how we are supposed to show that we do...how we are supposed to go about trusting Him...I know some of you know what I mean...some don't...but yeah....and I guess...if it was easy...and all we had to do was follow a set of simple rules...then that wouldn't really be faith...I guess this struggle is a good thing...really tests the faith and shows that we really are striving to seek God's approval...God's way....

I did a lot of thinking today...mostly while driving to work and stuff....and you know...being a christian is really tough....like...I always hear how all you have to do is believe and accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour....which is true...I believe that...but Alfred once brought this up in one of his sermons...and I really believe it...a lot of people can say they have accepted...but have they really?...like...one could argue that if you really believe and really have been saved...then you would strive to be like God...strive to know Him....and that is a joyful thing...don't get me wrong...I do want to be like Him...know Him....but in the process...there's so many struggles...so many difficulties...I know you guys know what I mean...especially those who have really been saved...nothing you do will ever be good enough...only through God's grace....but you still want to try....to be good enough...and it just gets so hard sometimes...I guess that's what's faith is all about...despite struggles...despite difficulties....you just keep trying...no matter how hard it gets....and sometimes it gets really hard...but God will never put you in a situation which He doesn't think you can handle...anything worth anything will require hard work...and faith...

One final note...to those of you who are struggling with things that happened in your past...I know there are a least few of you...just remember this...you can't change what happened...but that doesn't mean you should forget about it...because it will always come back and haunt you if you do that...it's better to get things out in the open...I'm sure whatever it is...God has forgiven you...if you've asked for it...because of His amazing grace...but the question remains...have you forgiven yourself?...that's the hard part...it really helps to just talk about it...I know it will be hard at first...but it gets easier...and believe me....you'll feel a lot better afterwards...just find someone you can trust...and if you don't think there's anyone in your life...I'm always here to listen...you just have to take the first step....just a though...once again...I ask you...have you forgiven yourself?

2003-03-10T16:56:00.000-05:00

I'll keep this one really short...today was a very bad day...another one in a serious of bad days...emotionally, physically, in every possible way imaginable....it seems like for every good day I have, I get multiple bad days....is there any end to it?

2003-03-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

Where to start...so much on my mind...but I just can't think of any words....today has been a very weird day...got to church a bit late...but not too late...right in time for the sermon....but to tell you the truth...I can't really remember what the sermon was about...I know...it's bad...it wasn't a bad sermon...Tim was preaching today...but one thing I did remember...he talked about victory in God...or claiming victory...and about how we should really serve God...even if it means we have to do things beyond our comfort level...that really stuck...because...lately...I've been feeling this urge to serve God, but I just don't know how...like...what can I do...for sure I cannot be part of the worship team...since I am almost to the point of being tone deaf...and I've tried ushering...and that was okay...but truthfully, I don't think I am really good at greeting people...which I believe is a really important part of being an usher...I truly believe that communications is not one of the gifts that God gave me...however...today, I was just talking to people around the church...and told them this idea that I had of offering mp3 versions of the sermons online...kindof like what cfc has...and then somehow...the task was assigned to me...which I don't mind...spent the better part of the day working out the kinks of it...and I think I got it to work...but yeah...I don't know...that seems so little though...I want to do something more...be more involved...but what?...I don't know...I asked around again for possible governor candidates...and someone suggested that I do it...but truth is, I don't think I am spiritually ready for it...honestly...I know what the job involves and what needs to be done, but I really think I need to grow more before I can lead others....I recently did a spiritual gift inventory...and according to that my number one gift is giving...which I try to do...but I feel that I am a selfish person deep down...and really...I don't know how I can do that...but yeah..I don't know...I feel that I could really help out the Lions in terms of being a leader...but is that because I really want to help them out?...or is it because I love to play softball?...I honestly don't know...

As I said yesterday...I went to Lifesong on Friday...I can't lie and tell you that I was really moved by it...I don't regret going...and if given the chance, I would go again...but really, I didn't feel moved as much as other people said they were...is it wrong of me to feel that?....music has never really touched me...I really try to get into the mood and get really moved by it...but it just doesn't happen...am I doing something wrong?...I really don't know..like...I see how everyone is so willing to serve...and I am moved by that...but not the music...I'm not saying that the performances weren't good...because they were...I just don't know what to think anymore....for all those who performed...I'm sorry...for feeling this way...

Now as for today...it has been a real rollercoaster of a day....I have this really bad headache...probably from the lack of sleep...but anyways...it really ruined the day...I could really function that well...and at dinner, my dad told me that his dad passed away on Friday...I didn't really know him...I met him once in my life...and that was only for an hour or so...so I can't really say that I miss him...I feel so bad for that...I don't really know anyone from my dad's side of the family...partially because my mom doesn't like them...so we don't get to see them much...I can't even tell you how many relatives I have on that side...because I honestly don't know...but you know...when my dad told me the news...I really didn't know what to say...so we just sat there quietly...then my mom came home...and started nagging at my dad like her usual self...and I felt so bad...for him...I could see that he was really feeling hurt...I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't tell my mom the news...because I honestly wouldn't if I were in his shoes...the conversation from there was so dry...I felt so much pain...for my dad...for just how my mom nags at him for everything...and how she just insults him so much...don't get me wrong...I don't think she does it purposely to hurt him...but it's just so sad...I felt so sad...I was really fighting to hold back the tears....because I didn't want my parents to see me cry...I just felt so much pain for my dad...and for the news...sad that I didn't know him at all...and now it's too late...I just really don't know...so much confusion...and I bet this thing about my grandfather will never come up again...because that's how things work in my family...everything seems so shallow...it's just hard having to be so unemotional all the time...I just don't understand my mom though...could my dad have really not told her?...is that possible?...because she just came in and starting talking about pointless things...nagging about unimportant things...really...I don't know what to make of it...

And for all those reading this...I'm sorry...I know you guys have lots of troubles in your lives too...I know because some of you have told me...and I'm sorry for just whining so much...I know some of you are just as confused about things as I am...and some of you have lost people in your life too...and some of you have relationships that have gone sour and cold...I know...I feel for you guys...I wish I could help...I just don't know what I could do...somehow...maybe...if you see that you guys aren't alone...maybe you can find some comfort in that...it may not seem like it because I don't usually talk about it..but I do think about all of you who have shared your problems with me...and I do really hope that you guys find comfort...you guys can approach me...and talk to me about your problems...I'm a good listener...or I would like to believe that...I just don't have enough courage to bring it up...you know...but yeah...you guys can trust me...

there is this interesting thing I read yesterday from my devo book...that may help...or maybe not...
"In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life - longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. We're not completely happy here because we're not supposed to be! Earth is not our final home; we were created for something much better."
I don't know though...what do you think of this...do you think the author is right?...I do know however...that we were created for something much better...

I have more on my mind...but I don't know what more to say...I just hope that somehow all my whining has done something for you guys...helped you feel better somehow...this is not intended to make you guys feel bad for me or anything...so please..don't...I just wanted to share with my friends...

and one more thing...James....get back to work...your boss is right behind you...

2003-03-09T03:55:00.000-05:00

I'm going to keep this one short...it's almost 4 and I still can't sleep...just came back tonight from two days in Waterloo which included CCF Lifesong...but I will talk about that another day if it comes up....I didn't get much sleep last night...but still...I'm still up....I'm just feeling so much confusion right now...just about stuff....nothing special...emotional confusion, confusion about where the Lions are headed this year, confusion about the way relationships with people are going, confusions about my life in general...I've gone through many sleepless nights thinking...just thinking about nothing much in general....just confusion....but right now...I should really try to get some sleep...it may happen...or maybe not...I should still try though...so off I go now...short like I promised...I just feel bad for feeling so much confusion and being so selfish...thinking about my own little life problems when there are so many problems in this world to solve...really...this sucks...but that's for another day to discuss...hopefully a night of thinking will clear my head and make things normal again..

2003-03-07T00:30:00.000-05:00

Hey all...another day...another post...haha...well...I make it sound like a daily thing...which it probably won't be...tomorrow I will be heading into Waterloo for ccf Lifesong...which probably means I won't blog tomorrow...but that's okay...most of you that read this...or I hope are reading this...will be in Waterloo with me...so yeah....but today has really been great...job was stupid as usual...but that's not why...Let me explain...

First off...I really am feeling God...I feel that he is using me through these blogs to motivate and share with all of you...I've gotten so many responses from these blogs...all of them positive...I've rekindled old relationships and made new ones...

This is what happened...an old friend of mine read my post...and was really glad that I am feeling God and all...and he was really surprised at how I've changed....the thing is...he really hasn't been feeling God...and you know...we've really talked a lot about it and how he's felt about God...and you know...I really hope that through all this...and through our friendship...that he can grow stronger in God and really experience Him in his life...he asked me to keep him accountable in his daily devotions and stuff...and no one has ever asked me to do that...it just feels so good to be doing something to further God's kingdom...

Another thing that came out of these blogs...a new friend of mine..that I really only met this term...well..turned to me and really opened up to me about something she's been going through...I'm not going to go into details...but it's so amazing how a bunch of little things led to her asking me about something.....she's basically going through part of what I went through...I'm not saying that I'm happy that she's going through what I went though...but I'm just amazed at how God led her to me and how God allowed me to share with her what I've been experiencing and what I've learned from all this...she told me that the advice I gave her was the best advice she's had so far...and that's just very encouraging...that God could let me help someone like that...it's amazing how a painful experience can lead to so much growth...

You know...after I posted the first blog, I felt to myself...is this worth it...because I felt so vulnerable...and I didn't know if anyone was reading it...but you know...I'm really glad I opened up so much...from the response and encouragement I got...it has really affected my life...something as simple as typing a few words a day....wow...I never would have thought this was possible...it's just amazing...I don't know how many people actually come here and take the time to read this...but if I can just encourage one person with every blog, then it's worth it...I mean...wow...I'm still in so much amazement...

just a little change of pace...during devotion today...I learned that we should all live in preperation for eternity...I know that may sound weird or something...but when you really live for eternity...your values change...you live for more than just the here and now...everything you do will have long term consequences...because if there was no eternity...nothing you do matters...just a thought...

I guess I'll keep it short today...maybe I'm just sharing too much and I'm starting to run out of things to say...

2003-03-06T01:16:00.000-05:00

Well...it's been one whole day...since I posted my very first blog...and I got quite a few responses to it...lots of people said that they were encouraged by what I said and happy for me...well...I am glad that I could share with you guys....I've realized that the pursuit of getting to know God is a never ending thing...because there's always more that you can learn about Him...well..for me personally...I really have a lot more to learn...I'm lucky...because there's still so much I don't know...so it'll be so easy for me to learn...because there's just so much of it...it's kindof like when you first start working out...and you have all this fat...well...that fat turns into muscle pretty quickly...but as time goes on...you still get more muscle,....but it gets harder and harder...I guess a personal relationship with God is like that...as you learn more about him...it gets harder and harder to learn more and more...but you know...there will always be room for improvement...

Today at work...it was pretty interesting...I asked for work...a few times...and I think in total, I was assigned a whole 5 minutes of work...the rest involved sitting there and just waiting...I really don't see why they hired me...but you know...I really do realize what a blessing this job is....a lot of people don't have jobs...and I guess I will just have to find out what my purpose is in getting this job...I learned from yesterday's devotion that everything in my life was planned by God...and this job was planned by him...so there must be a purpose why I'm there...I'll just have to make the best of it...

And today...I started going to the YMCA...during lunch...since I have nothing better to do...I got the membership on monday but didn't go yesterday...now...I'm really out of shape...I couldn't even run a km without stopping...it's not that much...hopefully by the end of the term I'll be able to run 5km...but yeah..it was okay...the only thing was that when I was leaving, as I turned around, there was this old, fat, nasty guy walking by me all naked...I turned away right away...good thing too...that image would have been burned into my mind...and I wouldn't have been able to get it out...

but all in all..it was an okay day...I thought of God a lot again...tried to avoid some of the distractions in my life...just so that I can have some time to meditate and think...it's funny sometimes...how things work...like during Sunday's sermon, Tim asked us to give up something for the season of lent...well...I choose rollerblading...now a lot of you might think...it's the middle of winter...but I do rollerblade...and it's one of the things that I look foreward to every week...well...Allison invited me today to go rollerblading after lifesong on Friday..and my first reaction was like...oh man...maybe I can give up something else...but then I thought...no...I made a commitment...it would mean nothing if I just change what I give up just because it serves my purpose...but yeah...anyways...I decided I'm going to stick with it...

The situation with the Lions seems to be getting better...it seems like there's more interest than I originally thought...but we are still in need of a governor...I just pray that we can find a spiritial leader who can guide us and really be commited to this team...I really think this team can do really great things...all we need to do is remain commited to it...and I don't mean about winning...there's this quote for the 40 days devotional book that I think applied..."You weren't put on earth to be remembered. You were put here to prepare for eternity."...I guess it doesn't apply directly...but indirectly...it basically reminds me that winning isn't everything...there are more important things...

And a final note...some of you have said that you really don't think you have been that big of an influence in my life...well..you have....just through your actions and stuff...even the way you handle tuff times...it's just encouraging...

A lot of you aren't used to me sharing this much....but I guess that's because I've always kept to myself and in doing so...prevented myself from being vulnerable...but you know...I realized that in opening up...I can help keep myself accountable and maybe even encourage some of you...one person used the term daily testimony...I really like how that sounds...

2003-03-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog...my very first posting...I will start off with why I started this...this is mainly for those closest to me...a lot of you may not think that I consider you guys close...because I don't really share much with you guys and stuff...but I do...I just don't like to share..I guess it leaves me vulnerable and stuff...but truthfully, most of you have really influenced my life...especially in the way you guys live your life and how devoted you guys are to God...I don't say much, but I observe a lot and in seeing how close you guys are to God, it really helps me and encourages me to spend time and really grow closer in my own relationship with Him...My ultimate goal in this whole blogging experience is that I can really use my own personal trials and experience to maybe return some of the favour..that I can somehow motivate you...even if it's only a little...

For those that I have shared with, you know that I have been going through a lot lately...that things haven't really gone the way I've planned...and you know...it really hurts...and still does...I am not going to say what happened...because it doesn't really matter at this point...but lets just say that I've hurt a lot and even cried a lot...and I know...guys aren't supposed to cry...but I know that those who are really my friends do not think like the world and know that it is okay for guys to cry...but anyways...during this time...I have really grown a lot close to God...a friend who shall remain nameless...you know who you are...really reminded me that God has a plan...without your help, I don't know if I could have gone through this whole thing that I am facing...and for all of you who are feeling down I really suggest that you go to the cfc website and download the Feb 23 sermon...it really helped me out..it talked about parts of the book of James and how times like these bring you so much closer to God....I've realised that right now...is not the right time and that it why things didn't work out the way I planned...my plan was flawed...but God's plan wasn't...and now...I really do trust that if what I had planned is in God's will and in his plan, then it will happen in His time and His way...

I've never really admitted this to anyone before...but I've never really taken responsibility for my own spiritual life...and honestly...I've been attending church all my life...but really this is the first time I've really taken responsibility and took my faith seriously...before, I did things, but I really never did things for the right reason with the right mindset...but now...in my mind...I do things asking does God want me to do this and how does he want me to do it....

Yesterday, in cell group...the question was asked how many times did you think of God today...and I was honestly able to say that I couldn't remember...not because I didn't, but I was thinking about him constantly...but that was only because I was thinking of the pain I had and what God's plan was for it all...but today...I really did think of God...continuously...that question really affected me a lot...and it wasn't only because I wanted the pain to go away...on the drive to work, they were talking about things of this world...and you know what...something made me just turn it off and the silence really gave me time to think about God...so all those of you who are reading this...I ask you..."How many time did you think of God today?"

You know..I really do feel so different because of this whole experience...I was trying to watch tv today...and it just doesn't mean the same anymore...before I really got into it..,but you know...today....it just felt like a waste of time...and I was watching...but my mind wasn't there...so I just decided to turn it off...I'm not saying that I won't watch tv anymore...but it's just not as important as it was before....instead, I read from this devotional book that my fellowship is currently doing and I also used the time to journal and for those of you in my cell group...I read the daily passages....so don't worry...I didn't forget about that...I was kindof feeling sad at the time...but then...there was this poem in today's reading from that devotional book that basically said

"No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow."

You know...I have so much more to say...but I am just going to leave it at that for now...because it is a lot as it is and for those of you who have read up to here, I really thank you for your time...because that means that I did not write all this in vain...I just hope that it motivated you in some way to grow even closer than you are in your relationship with God...